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REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER, FRIDAY, AUGUST 23, 2013.  by Josh Newcombe
Edgar Wiggenhorn of Olinoy, IL, stopped watching an important ball game this past weekend to help his wife, Sarah, with the vacuum cleaner. It had simply stopped sucking. She was worried they'd have to take it in for repair, reminding Ed that, "at this point we can't really afford any extra… anythings!" Ed replaced the bag, which really needed it, but still couldn't get any suction. He changed the filter, still no suction. "I even tried the old whack it on the side with your fist plan that works with so many things," said Ed, "but nope, no suction. " "The whole thing felt like some strange troll riddle. What really sucks when it doesn't suck at all? I had the answer right in my hands, but that didn't make the vacuum work." While pondering whether this meant anything or not, Ed inadvertently slipped his finger inside the hose and it hit something. "Something very soft, but also very solid," Ed pointed out. "I grabbed the old poking stick I keep around for situations just like this and poked it through the other end of the hose. Out came this huge, ugly wad of hair. Some human, some feline, and some I don't know what. I don't mind tellin' you it had a me a little creeped out considering all the spiders we've sucked up with that vacuum! There could be a whole army of those guys holed up in that mess, so I put it into the trash pretty quick." Sarah was so thrilled she not only thanked Edgar, but told him he was out of the doghouse. "I didn't even know I was IN the doghouse," confided Ed, who decided to just be happy with his good fortune and return to his game, which hadn't really changed much since he left it.  Sy, your hi-fi guy with another record collection selection. This week we present Rounds and Mixers. This one is subtitled old & new. So you know it's appropriate for both old and new people. This album is obviously for the cat and kitten who love to grab hands in a circle and see what happens next. The music is the kind of stuff that Miley Cyrus wishes she could sing in her wildest dreams, and judging by her latest videos, those are some wild dreams that require a shot afterwards, and not just the kind you get at your doctor's office.
Slap this vinyl on your console and lose control. Rounds and Mixers. For everyone. Except Harry. The guy in the green plaid shirt. He's cut off. From any more drinks and his emotions.  Our Soothsaying Sasquatch Hello everyone, I'm the new advice columnist. Unlike the zombie who once held this job, I thought it'd be nice for you to get to know me a little before your'e expected to pony up with your life's most personal questions. So I'm starting out my column with this post instead of answering the left-over "Talk WIth A Zombie" questions that litter my cubicle, in an effort to put my furriest foot forward. As you may have guessed by my picture I'm a sasquatch. Yes, a real sasquatch. Maybe my face is familiar to you, I did a little modeling to get through college and landed a gig with the Curiosity Costume Company out in Oilnoy, Il. Their "Bigfoot Head" mask was molded from my actual face. It's still being sold today.  Bigfoot Head Mask That's it there to the right. I wish they wouldn't have used plastic for the beard, makes the rest of the hair look so cheap. And leaving off my eyebrows makes it look really angry. But hey, it paid the bills. And if this column ever gets popular, I've already got merchandise to push, so it's all good.
Most of us sasquatches usually prefer the term "sasquatch" to "bigfoot," as I'm sure you usually prefer the term "human" to "longnose" or "bigbutt," or "bareskin." On the other hand a lot of male sasquatches try to keep the term "bigfoot" alive because for some reason gals seem very interested to make your aquaintance when they know you've got big feet. I got this job because the zombie that had it before me pretty much freaked everybody out around here, and I think they were looking for more of a family man to run the column this time. Someone whose warm smile didn't hide a desire to eat them when they found themselves alone with him in the copy room. Apparently I fit that bill. I've got a wife, two kids, a dog, 3 cats, a turtle and uncounted number of raccoons living under the house, so I'm definitely family oriented. And I haven't eaten anybody in months. Just kidding, sasquatches aren't carnivores, and if we were, I don't think humans would be on the menu. You smell kinda funny. I'll continue to open up about myself as the weeks go by, but hopefully that's enough to let you know I'm sincere and ready to tell you all whatever it is you're wondering about. I'll be answering any questions you may have about life, love and, of course, sasquacthes here on Ask A Sasquatch. If you have anything you have to get off your chest to a sasquatch, I'm your ape-man. Just go to the DL contact page and address your question or comment to "Dear Sasquatch."  The Sofa Sage, or that guy in marketing, as he is called by his friends at Company World, is back with more predictions that will rock your world and change your very thoughts about the future.
Sitting down on his out dated leather hunk of crap known as a sofa, our Sage revealed the following: Things aren't what they appear to be, especially if you have a near sighted problem, You will never be half the man that your father was, And, most chilling, fantasy football is not a fantasy after all. Continue reading this blog to keep up to date on what our mystic of middle management has in store for those who seek the truth REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER, FRIDAY AUGUST, 16, 2013  Flora's new jeans. by Josh Newcombe
Herbert Thompkins of Tiedmont, IL, found himself on the short end of a very small stick this past weekend, when he was questioned point blank about whether his wife Flora's new jeans made her look fat or not. One quick retort later and Flora was giving him a kiss and sashaying happily back to wherever she came from and Herb was astounded. "I heard the phrase on one those afternoon talk shows a few weeks back, I think it was 2 Guys With A Six-Pack* or something like that, and decided to commit it to memory, just in case. I mean, you never think it's gonna happen to you until it does right, and then it's too late," Herb said, as he accepted the "Dodged A Bullet" award from his local Veteran's Club members. The answer is simple enough, just four words, but maybe even more importantly Herb also remembered to say them immediately, with no hesitation, not even for a moment... AND… say… them… seriously! That magic phrase is: "No, not at all." Can that really be all there is to it? It seems so easy doesn't it? Almost… too easy? But when the time comes, unless you're really really ready for it, 87% of the nation's leading psychiatrists say you'll most likely blurt out whatever you're actually thinking instead, and the other 13% are certain you will. "I practice saying it over and over to myself everyday while shaving. I've gotten a lot of cuts and nicks that way, but now I'm sure it was worth it," said Herb, adding, "I like to throw in a "honey" right after the "No" to make it a little more personal." Moral of the story? All men should definitely memorize this phrase and be ready to spit it out anytime, anywhere. All of us hope no one ever has to use it, but let's be honest, you'll be a lot happier having it in your arsenal, locked and loaded when the inevitable finally happens. Next week a magic phrase women can use to get men to accept directions. *Watch "2 Guys With A Six-Pack" weekdays at 2:30 on Olinoy's own Channel 6.9!  This Koala Bear is tired of being blamed for Men at Work, the disappearance of Olivia Newton John's boyfriends, and everything that has the slightest relationship to Mel Gibson.
Our eucalyptus eating friend simply wants to hang on his branch, enjoy the world of marsupials, and forget that Crocodile Dundee or Cate Blanchette ever existed. He is not responsible for the Australian Bee Gees Show currently touring America. He has never had a shrimp on the barbie, and he can't tell you why Australia hasn't had a good female tennis player since Evonne Goolagong, or what they serve at Outback. Please, remember, if you run into our friend, that he is not some cute animal that can magically answer any questions about Australia or the continent known for being founded as a prison colony. On behalf of Koala Bears, everywhere, we thank you for your consideration.  Popular comic, Funny Face Fred, the man of a thousand faces and the tics that go with them, is coming to The Comedy Closet at the Centerville Mall in Centerville this Thursday night for one show at 7:30. The popular comedian is only going to do one show due to a mismanaged road schedule and an urgent need to get in and out of town without his ex knowing he's performing nearby and getting paid more money than he owes in back child support.
So, if you love the kind of funny faces your mother told you would stay that way the rest of your life, please, by all means, stop by The Comedy Closet and see Funny Face Fred. The Comedy Closet. Where there's always limited seating for your convenience and a good working relationship with the local fire department. Check out this page for further news about comics coming to The Comedy Closet. Cover charge is ten dollars and includes some sort of beverage discount. Reprinted from the Weekend Watch section of The Olinoy Free Flyer found inside The Olinoy Reporter on Friday, August 16, 2013.  It's your old pal, Chip back with another quip about the folks in Kooterville. I'll tell you what, that place is full of fascinating individuals with all kinds of stories to tell. Today I wanted to tell you about Kooterville Kate, the waitress who remembers names more than orders.
It seems Kate was going to school to become a Dental Hygiene Assistant or some other college girl dream, when she ran into a wall known as personal debt and failing grades. Now, Kate is one of the smartest ladies in Kooterville when it comes to thinking up stuff and sticking to it. She just has a hard time remembering when to pay her bills and what table 14 ordered ten minutes ago. I swear you wouldn' think short term memory problems would interfere with the world of waitressing, but it does. Just ask Kate. I remember one time in particular this fella from Fred's Quarry orders two eggs sunnyside up, a side order of bacon, extra crispy and a cup of coffee with two sugars. That's pretty easy to take care of, especially if you write it down on your order form. Well, Kate turns up at the table 10 minutes later with two sugars sunnyside up, a side order of coffee with two extra crispy eggs, and a look on her face that said "hell if I know what happened". Turns out Kate can't read her own writing and she's dyslexic on top of it. When it rains it pours and sometimes the old clean out ain't working so well. That Kate couldn't remember her name if it wasn't misspelled on her name tag. What she lacks in the memory department is definitely made up in the smile department. Kate's got a smile that would make a sad man happy for the rest of his life. And can she remember names? She can tell you every customer by name that ever sat in her section. So can her boss, and he don't think that's something she should brag about to friends or potential customers. Next week, we're going to meet Wandering Willie, The Directionless Cab Driver. Until next time, keep laughing at yourself before somebody laughs at you with their mouth full.  I think you all know Jan, our friendly voiced lady who holds down the Information Desk from 9 to 5 every day at Duck Logic Headquarters. Well, it seems our Jan gave out some information that one DLC fan thought was in the TMI area. I guess nobody wants to know about that infection that requires a special salve and a visit to a clinic in Cityville.
If we know our Jan, she'll be back on the phones tomorrow, ready to type on her laptop, smile for no apparent reason, and give our fans information that only they need to know. Maybe, next time, don't tell anybody about that summer in Mexico City. We're sure it's interesting, Jan. We just don't know if it has to be discussed over the phone while eating a slice of pizza from the cafeteria or doing kegels at your desk.  This week at the Olinoy Drive In Theater off old Haggle Road and County G.
Opening Film: Two and a Half Jobs: Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer, and Bill Gates. Starting Time: 8 to 9 pm.Take a winning formula, mess around with it a little, throw in some familiar names and a cameo by Bill Gates and you have the riveting biopic about the late computer genius Steve Jobs, Forklift operator Jeff Jobs, and Helen Jobs- Smith, the London Theater Critic. This is bound to be up for awards. We just don't know which ones. The first 100 ticket buyers will get an Iphone that is already outdated. Closing Film: Grown Up Smurfs 2: Kevin James, Chris Rock, Neil Patrick Harris and Blue Man Group. Starting Time: 10:30ish. Finally, a movie that combines the fart and pee jokes of Grown Ups with the blatant product placement and cross advertising of Smurfs. Everyone who is still awake after the opening credits gets whatever is left over in the refreshment stand. Come out and enjoy a double bill at The Olinoy Drive in off old Haggle Road and County G. Now with limited parking lights and quieter cicadas than last year. Olinoy Drive In- For family fun when your family isn't that much fun in the long run!  Hey, everybody, I forgot about another story about my Dad and the time that he gave a friend money and never got paid back.
My Dad knew his friend Jack needed some cash to pay for his Old Grand Dad and some other family member who was named Annie Greensprings. I don't know who named her, but she sure was popular with my Dad's friend Jack. Anyways, my Dad gave him 200 dollars and told him to pay him back or never show his face in town again. He never showed his face in town again. I guess he didn't have the 200 dollars or "the cheese" as my dad calls money sometimes. You'll never guess what happened to that 200 dollars. It was given to Jack's Old Grand Dad. See, everything turned out great. My Dad's friend got to help his poor Old Grand Dad and My Dad got a c;hance to help his friend move out of town forever. My Dad wins again! |
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