The Duck Logic Comedy Blog is thankful for so many things this year. Things like:
- Rob Ford. Never has anybody gotten so much mileage out of one Ford.
This guy is still the mayor of Toronto. The mayor of Toronto, people. He's not the mayor of some town in Yellowknife or Alberta where nobody would care if the guy was using crack or tackling city council members. He runs the city that has been home to some of the most significant cultural parts of Canada for the last half century. Wait, this is Canada we're talking about, so significant probably means anything that involves curling and Gordon Lightfoot. Actually, we are grateful that Rob Ford is the mayor of Toronto because like half the population, he also acts like he got kicked out of Detroit and exiled to the land of Oatmeal soap and decent health care.
-Miley Cyrus- She's just a twerking girl with a tongue that looks like a hideous combination of Gene Simmons and that dog that always wins the world's ugliest mutt contest. Miley taught us that the American public will buy anything if it's wrapped in the right package. Like the porn package the creepy guy down the street gets on his cable bundle.
-Selfies- Who doesn't like a photo of themselves? Everyone likes a photo of themselves, if by photo you mean picture taken by a device that makes everyone look like they're in that old movie The Blair Witch Trials, which was only half as scary as the fact that some people think this is the height of entertainment or connecting with people. Selfies are the photographic equivalent of waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can address serious issues, like the latest events in your life.
Finally we are thankful for all of our readers and blog fans- Without you we would simply spend more time on facebook or twitter or instagram or tumblr or any of a hundred desperate ways we want others to recognize our existence. We know that all of this is like the drunk fans behind the sports reporter at the live remote: lots of waving and shouting for no apparent reason.
Happy Thanksgiving, DLC fans. Save some leftovers for us and don't fall asleep with your hand in your pants. Leave that to your Mom or that lady you still insist on calling Mom.
REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER, Travel Section, Friday, Nov. 22 ,2013
By Shane Taylor
If you're planning a weekend trip to the winter wonderland of Wisconsin, you had better pack a good amount of dashed hopes because our Travel Investigation Team or TIT has uncovered some surprising news about our neighbors to the north.
We found that Wisconsin is not a wonderland, but actually a one hit wonderland where snow is a mix of chemical snow, that should be declared a biohazard, and simple balls of cotton glued willy nilly to all kinds of sad plastic pine trees. The Dairy state did not comment when we declared their state ad campaign was a poor excuse to see if the Packer's Jordy Nelson could pitch any product without viewers dropping from stunned indifference and head-scratching confusion. It would be fair to say that Wisconsin has been trafficking in the kind of bait and switch tactics usually reserved for late night TV ads featuring senior citizens or a cartoon general.
Come on, this travel reporter didn't just get off the boat. He just got off the plane. Does anybody want these peanuts? Anyway, there isn't a real snowflake to be found in the entire state. It's all from Dow Chemical or the Christmas aisle at Home Depot. And don't get me started on their so called "ski lodges", which are obviously foreclosed cabins or homes with no hope of finding a buyer in the next year. Save yourself some money and stay home and watch the Skiing or Curling channel with a case of Canadian beer. You'll feel better in the morning and you won't have to expose yourself to so much road kill.
From The Olinoy Reporter, November 21, 2013.
Your old pal, Chip, here again with another column of Quips for all the people of Kooterville. I've been off for a few weeks taking care of my father. He isn't sick. He just needs attention and somebody to work his VCR. Yeah, he's a bit behind the times when it comes to technology. Like the guy who still can't figure out where to buy 8 track cartridges. I think the guy is my brother Skip. All this family talk has me thinking about thanking the big guy for everything in our lives this Thanksgiving. Here's a list of things I am thankful for this Turkey Day, and remember, it still counts as a new column. They ought to call this Chip's Clips or the Crap Scrap Heap. Here goes. Thanks for:
Carl Larson and the junior high marching band- for trying to stay on the same page and play a whole song in wool outfits while sweating in Fourth of July heat. We are particularly thankful for the amount of drumming that goes on in a parade. Hell, you don't even need to bring the other kids next year. They play for about 5 minutes, anyway.
Thanks to Jane Herlin for sending Kooky Kat Videos to our Facebook account- We love that one where Pete Jeffer's barn cat, Lou looks at something closes his eyes and you hear a burp. Fuuuunnny stuff!
Thanks to all the families who read this column every week and send me such encouraging notes like this one- "Did you ever think about writing a column about that one thing we've all been talking about lately? That's got Chip's Quips written all over it, no pun intended and none taken."
Thanks to The Olinoy Reporter for letting yours truly go on and on about this and that, here and there and what have you - If I see Old Man Sanders scowl at another teenager, I'll know all is right with the world and he still needs to make an eye appointment with Doc Dailey and adjust his medications.
Finally, we are all thankful for this Thanksgiving and all that we have been given, received and returned without even a hint of a receipt. Until next week, there's nothing wrong with saying please and thank you unless their followed or proceeded by a knock on the door from a local policeman.
Jan, our little piece of sunshine that greets customers on the phone and at the DLC office everyday, has a little secret that she wanted to share with DLC fans. She repossesses cars when she isn't setting up a mall appearance for Edie, The Breakfast Fairy or proofreading the slop that passes for text on the DLC blog.
Jan admits that she " gets a bit of a thrill knowing I could be killed trying to nab some Hyundai from a grease ball in Clarendon Hills." Jan has only been shot twice in her repo days, and one of those was from her own gun. So, for the chance to walk around with a wad of Benjamins and a snubnose 45, our Jan will go to no ends to rise above expectations and constantly surprise her co-workers with her talents and gifts.
And the kicker? It's all done with that smile and pleasant attitude we've come to love at DLC.
If you can't wait to find out what happens on the Duck Logic Comedy blog, then you're in for a pleasant surprise because we're about to let you in on a few shocking details.
Next week on this blog, we plan on sharing information about things that aren't public knowledge like the fact that Things Aren't Always As They Seem, But For The Most Part Are,
A Penny Saved Isn't Necessarily a Penny Earned,
And, Photos of Things We Found Funny May Also Be Funny To You!
That's all next week on this blog. And don't forget, it all comes to you free of charge unless you live in seclusion or in fear of your life. Duck Logic Comedy. You'll laugh, and how!
Sy, your Hi-fi guy, with another Record Collection Selection. This time we're learning The Language and Music of the Wolves and that's not the hockey team that plays at the All State Arena. This is a record about Wolves and it's almost as good as Steppenwolfe, Wolfmother, and Wolfman Jack combined like a great big wolf sandwich. And, here's the kicker- it's narrated by Bob Redford. You know, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, The Sting, and a bunch of other flicks that did or didn't include Paul Newman.
This album has everything. Howling, barking at the moon, background vocals, and a killer album cover that features a wolf looking at something far away, like maybe some animal it's gonna kill and eat. That's about all I need to say about The Language and Music of the Wolves. If you're the outdoors type who hates to go outdoors this album is for you. Next time, Voices, voices, voices. There more than the sounds your hear in your head before you're permanently removed from your postal route.