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sofa sage returns with more insights into the mystery of life!

6/28/2013

The Sofa Sage, or Jeff, as he's known to the guys in IT, is back with more insights into the mystery of life. Please remember that this mystical gift is not meant to substitute for the truth, but merely to indicate the potential knowledge shared by the man who has sat on that outdated brown leather sofa grazing through awful cable programming choices and many a take out meal, so that you may be afforded the following words of wisdom:

- nobody wins if everybody loses,

- this place isn't going to clean itself,

- money doesn't grow on trees,

and the cataclysmic epiphany that has tongues wagging around the globe:

-You aren't going to get anywhere sitting around this house all day, that's for damned sure!

Do not try to come up with your own path to pure understanding while watching ESPN2 or entering the second day of a Police Academy Marathon. The Sofa Sage is closely aligned with the planets and various wireless packages and knows what he's doing and saying long before you or your friends do. Next time, the Sofa Sage predicts what will happen " if I have to come over there".

GUESS WHO WON'T BE NEEDING THIS ANYMORE? hint: PEOPLE OF COLOR IN THIS NATION!

6/27/2013

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6/25/2013

PHOTOS OF STANLEY CUP BEFORE AND AFTER BLACK HAWK PLAYERS ARE ALLOWED TO TOUCH IT!!

6/25/2013

BEFORE

LONG AFTER

TALK WIth A Zombie

6/23/2013

Dear Zombie,
My parents want me in the house by the time the sun sets every night. It's the curfew their parents gave them and "what was good enough for us is good enough for you!" My friends all get to stay out until at least 10 PM, unless it's a school night. When I ask my folks "why?" they usually mumble something to me about zombies getting me after dark. This seems like a pretty silly reason to me. I've never even seen a real zombie, but then I've never been out of the house after dark either. Help! - PRISONER IN MY OWN HOME

Dear Prisoner,
Your question has a simple answer. It doesn't really matter what your friends can do, you're living in your parents home, so you gotta follow your parent's rules. That being said, I can say that whatever their real reasons are it has nothing to do with zombies. If a zombie is after you, sunlight won't keep 'em away. We grab and munch on "live ones" anytime of day. So keep an eye out on your way to and from school! I wouldn't mention this to your folks though or they'll start home schooling and you'll never leave that house again.
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Dear Zombie,
You're always saying most movies don't portray you guys and gals as you really are. Are there any films at all that you'd recommend to get the "real" scoop on zombies? - HOOKED ON ZOMBIE FLICKS

Dear Hooked,
Actually the two classics "Night Of The Living Dead" and "Dawn Of The Dead," are probably my favorites. Everything in them isn't zombie gospel, but there's plenty of true facts in between the Hollywood stuff. I like "Dawn" especially, because even though it ends with the heroes getting away from that mall, there's nowhere for them to go and the zombies are going to win in the end so I walked out of the theatre with a nice warm feeling in what's left of my heart.

(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)

TEACHER IN TRAINING: GOOD LUCK, MR. KELLY!

6/20/2013

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6/18/2013

Jesus Makes 3 appearances

6/17/2013

REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER - JUNE 7, 2013

THREE SEEING JESUS
By Josh Newcombe

In what seems like an amazing coincidence the image of Jesus has appeared 3 times in and around the Olinoy area recently. His first reported appearance was in a pot of gravy being made for the mashed potatoes at St. Adelbert's Catholic charity cookout right here in Olinoy. Unfortunately the gravy was stirred before a picture could be taken. "You gotta keep stirring it or it'll stick to the bottom of the pot!" said Harvey McCalsky, a yearly volunteer at this church function. I know Harv personally, he's a pretty reliable guy, and since he's not a strict Catholic he's not prone to seeing Jesus everywhere, so I tend to believe this was a true sighting.

Secondly, Marge Henderson, of Tiedmont, IL, said her parakeet's droppings had splashed into a very Jesus-like image, but her maid cleaned the cage before she could get a picture. However she also reports seeing Jesus to our paper about twice a month, once even claiming the image of the Christ on her church's weekly newsletter was a miracle even though her pastor verified he put it there himself, so this one's a little harder to swallow.

Third and most impressively, Jeb Thurmond, from Cityville, IL, caught the picture of Jesus appearing in a wine spill which you see here. He was smart enough to not clean it up before snapping the picture, thanks Jeb, but not smart enough to clean it up before his wife saw it. "He's ruined three carpets with wine so far," said Ruby Thurmond, adding "when you can't hold the glass in your hand it's time to stop drinking. Why we don't get them Scotch Guarded is beyond me."

It's hard to doubt what you can see with your own eyes. Jeb's not very good with a computer and doesn't even have Photoshop, so I'm kinda feeling the love on this one. Plus there's something almost prophetic about JC appearing in wine. Why would he make an appearance on this carpet, at this point in time? Well the Lord moves in mysterious ways. And so does Jeb, who promised his wife if he can't get the stain out, he'll gladly spill wine over the entire carpet so it all matches.

Talk WIth A Zombie

6/16/2013

Dear Zombie,
What does it feel like to be a zombie? A lot of the kids at school are sayin' if your'e gonna be cool ya gotta go zombie. Some of them are really puttin' the pressure on. It sounds like it could be fun, but my parent's have always warned against it. I'm really curious, I mean there's a lot of things grown-ups have told me not to do that ended being very cool and fun. I'm just not so sure about this zombie thing. - ZOMBIE CURIOUS

Dear Curious,
You're probably asking the wrong person. I'm pretty pro-zombie, so I'm more than a little biased in this area. I think it feels great! And it hardly hurts that much at all. But it's a kinda like losing your virginity, once you go there you really can't go back… so it's important to be absolutely sure about your answer on the "to zombie or not to zombie" question. All I can tell you for certain is that there are more of us every day, so you'll never be alone. ;-)

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Dear Zombie,
Why is being a zombie such a big deal nowadays? There's the "The Walking Dead," "World War Z," reruns of "Zombieland" & "Shaun Of The Dead" on cable every other day…. I mean, I think they're cool and everything, but so are a lot of other things. - VAMPIRE LOVER

Dear VL,
When my dad was growing up there weren't many actual zombies around, and "Night Of The Living Dead" was pretty much the only zombie flick in town. It wasn't shown on TV for a very long time, so if you didn't catch it at the theater, then you lived a pretty much zombieless life. Now there are just so damn many of us, with more coming every day. So… sorry, but like it or not, don't expect to see an end to zombie themed entertainment anytime soon. I have no doubt they'll be sneaking it into advertising shortly as we're quickly becoming a "demographic." And I have no problem with that, Zombies rule!

(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)

Happy Father's Day From Duck Logic Comedy!

6/16/2013

tim's dad stories

6/14/2013

Hey, everybody, Tim here with another super cool story about my Dad or as I like to call him The World's Greatest Dad Ever!

This is about the time my Dad took us to the Wisconsin State Fair and got us in free because he knew somebody in security "who owes your father a favor". I'll say! We got to ride the rides, eat a corn dog, laugh at this fat lady who had a girdle, see a clown get arrested and taken away in a police car with full sirens on, and watch a show that had some really funny guy who fell down and made monkey sounds. I'm pretty sure the funny guy was maybe a funny monkey. I couldn't tell! That's how much fun we had. And my Dad got to get a Popiel pocket fisherman and something he called " a cut of the door", whatever that means. Even my mom liked the Fair because she bought a candle and didn't tell my Dad to stop looking at the waitresses, which she usually does. Killjoy Mom!

So anyway that's the story of my Dad and how we got into the Wisconsin State Fair for free. It's a true story and I wouldn't say that unless it was. Oh, and also, the whole family got invited back to the Fair the next year as long as the man my dad knew in security was something called square with my Dad. My Dad wins again! Next time, my Dad buys a bar that has ladies with money growing out of their shirts and this pole in the middle of it that is a total blast to swing around on. Just ask the ladies with money growing out of their shirts.

KEY collection GETS OWN SHOW ON PBS

6/13/2013

REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER - June 7, 2013

If you love collecting keys and have always wanted a show that covers this booming hobby, PBS may be just the place for you this summer. The Key Collection with Ken Keys will air at 5:30 am every Sunday beginning this week and continuing through the fall. The Key Collection will share knowledge on what keys are worth your time and effort to accumulate in some broken kitchen drawer and what keys are simply copies pawned off as originals by people who know darned well they just went to the local hardware store and had duplicates made in case they lost or temporarily misplaced the originals.

The Key Collection will feature expert collectors from across the nation giving novices and veterans a look inside the world of mystery and intrigue that is the very fabric of key collecting. Some might say this program will unlock the secrets that have been stored for years on a hook just inside your kitchen or strewn about your unkempt garage. The Key Collection coming to PBS this summer right before Sunday Mornings In The Shed With Jed and Shouldn't You Be Sleeping? PBS, where your support is on life support.

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6/11/2013

AMERICANS GATHER TOGETHER TO WATCH PARADE PASS THEM BY AGAIN. SEE IF YOU CAN FIND WALDO!

6/11/2013

Talk With A Zombie

6/9/2013

Deer Zomby,
Me am zommie too. Me want job lyk you. How arrrgh get one? Me have thoughts in head to share and me am hungry and tired of all time fighting for brains. Bruuugh. World no kind to zomby like me. Harrarghgh. How me get in bizness? Am thair union me can join? – ZOMBY GUY

Dear Guy,
It's not as easy as you might think. If you can't pass yourself as of one of them it can be very hard. I made my contacts at a Halloween party. They were a bit surprised when I wore my "costume" to work, but I deliver the goods so no one questions it. It sounds to me like you are missing a large portion of your own brain, so a job like mine might not be the right placement for you. Have you considered a career in politics?
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Dear Zombie,
There's a big blockbuster movie with Brad Pitt coming out soon called World War Z. What do know about it? Any truth at all to what I'll see on screen? – UNBELIEVER

Dear Unbeliever,
I had a small role as an "extra" in that film. In fact most zombies do extra work in the industry. All I can say is that while we do move a lot faster than most movies would have you believe, which we don't like the general public to know about, WWZ is just one big fantasy. We don't roll across areas like an ocean wave, and we don't clump together much either. It's a whole lot easier hunting "live ones" when we keep it down to two or three of us together at a time, that way we don't have to split the spoils up as thinly. Hope that helps.

(Ed. Note: Do you have a question for the Zombie? Write to us through the Duck Logic Comedy Contact page and address your question "Dear Zombie!")

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