Blog Archives

olinoy drive in hosts end of year special!

9/28/2013

The Olinoy Drive In is hosting an end of the year special for all customers. Bring in a slightly used food item and a DVD for a child and they will let you in for half price admission or 2 dollars and give you a free tub of gently jostled, almost buttered popcorn from Colonel's Popcorn Kernels in downtown Olinoy.

This week we close out the season with Cloudy With A Chance of Meatloaf 2 starring Meatloaf singing Paradise By The Dashboard Light in the kind of animation only the best minds, or what's left of the best minds, at Pixar could create with little sleep and even littler imagination. That's followed by our second feature, Don Ho, about a Hawaiian singing star with a silly sex addiction who meets a Ho played by Julia Roberts, who uses a Hoe to plant a neighborhood garden that brings everybody together for all the right reasons and, well, we don't want to spoil the ending, though it's pretty obvious what happens.

And finally, we're ending our year with another locally made film from Phil Fuller at Phil Fuller's Film School In A Day , Crazy Credits. Crazy Credits assembles all the credits from every film played over the summer and edits them together in a way that leaves no comic cut ups on the cutting room floor.
The Olinoy Drive In off of Route 127 near the frontage road exit or the first right past that one sign that is still available for commercial advertising. You know the one. The Olinoy Drive In- Where movies mix with motors and other environmental sounds.

LONG LOST DUCK DYNASTY BROTHER FOUND IN AMISH COUNTRY

9/27/2013

Uncle Obediah leading barn raising service in Amish Country.

Counting Clouds

9/25/2013

REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER, SEPTEMBER 20, 2013

Why Cloud Nine? by Nina Nueve

Why is Cloud Nine more famous than the previous eight? We all know to be "on cloud nine" means to be blissfully happy. A place to desire being. But why? Where did it come from?

Why not Cloud Seven? That at least rhymes with "heaven." Or Cloud Eleven, then you've got the rhyme and the pop culture reference. Go Spinal Tap.

A quick review of the internet yields contrary reports, yet everyone seems certain they have the true origin. One claims that the US Weather Bureau once described clouds with a numeric sequence, and Level Nine was the highest of the cumulonimbus, which sounds a little too obvious to me.

I also found claims that it has to do with a 1950's radio show called Johnny Dollar, in which each time Johnny got knocked unconscious he would travel to Cloud Nine. But that's hardly a description of a blissful situation now, is it?

In Dante's Paradise the Divine Presence dwells in the 10th heaven, making the 9th the heaven closest to the divine you can come. This sounds plausible as an origin story but c'mon, who reads Dante? I'm guessing even back in the day it was mostly bought to put on the shelf in the belief that it would make the purchaser look "smart." So I don't think anybody really knows for sure.

My personal lucky number has always been four. So my metaphoric, euphoric place to float to from now on will be Cloud Four. "Wow, I'm on Cloud Four!" I kinda like watching folks faces screw up at the sound of something they feel is wrong, but can't prove why.

Besides if everybody else is going to Cloud Nine, there's bound to be a line, or at least most of the good views will already be taken. Me? I need a lot of spreading out room to enjoy my bliss properly. So when the time comes, I'll be kicking back in peace, waving to you from Cloud Four.

Be with me next time when I'll investigate why people get dressed "to the nines," and go "the whole nine yards."

This Post Brought To You By...

9/25/2013

TIM'S DAD STORIES

9/24/2013

My name is Tim and I love my Dad so much I try to remember all of his best stories so I can tell them to you and you can tell them to some others. Today's story is about the time my Dad traded in a Ford for a Chevy and had some whitewalls thrown in because he knew how much my mom loved whitewalls.

We used to have a Ford Galaxy 500 that my Dad liked to drive to work because it made him" feel like he had a couple of dollars in his pocket." I don't know how a Ford product makes you feel like that, but this is my Dad we're talking about and he knows a thing or two about dollars in pockets because he's probably been a thousandaire about a zillion times over. Anyway, my Dad knew when to trade a car in because all the lights would go off "like they do the first time you try to make a break for it in the prison yard." My Dad knew he wanted to trade in the 500 for the new Chevy station wagon, because he wanted to " see the world today in a chevrolet" as the song says. I guess my Dad's idea of the world is Janesville, Wisconsin because that's where we went for a weekend of fun that included a heated swimming pool, an ice machine that was only slightly colder than my Aunt Amanda, and a phone number from the girl at the front desk that my dad needed in case he wanted directions back home or something like that. The best part was my dad got a set of whitewalls thrown in for no extra charge because nobody in McHenry County wanted to be caught dead with them because the "whole place was crawling with more crackers than a soup kitchen" according to Dad.

The car lasted a whole year before the engine blew out and we had to hitch hike home from Janesville because the lady at the front desk "didn't want to play this game anymore". Whatever game that is, the only thing I know is that my Dad had a cool car, a great excuse for getting a Pontiac and another story that I could tell you all about today. Next time, my Dad gets in a fight with the neighbor and he was a she. I hope you liked this story it sure took a long time to tell.

fire department saves sensitive songwriter stuck in town tree

9/23/2013

The Olinoy Fire Department came to the rescue of a desperate young songwriter who couldn't get the time of day if he looked at his own watch. Local sensitive songwriter Sea Song, real name Farrington Puddingbotton Esquire, decided to take his career and matters into his own hands when he climbed Roger, the town oak tree, to get the attention he couldn't receive with his own emasculating songbook and high, girlish voice.

The rescue took place after Ted Gibbons at Gibbons Auto Fixings noticed a sound coming out of the town tree that "sounded like somebody had either lost their best friend or their ability to carry a tune in public."

He called 911 and the Fire Department dispatched a truck with a cherry picker and a phony recording contract to entice our fragile folk legend to leave his new artist in residency home and enjoy a free ride to Olinoy Home For The Sensitively Insecure where Sea was given an out of tune autoharp and a few guitar lessons at Strum and Strings. Hopefully, this will be the last we hear of Sea and The Tree as it is fast becoming known to townspeople with a sarcastic sense of humor and an aversion to wimpy songs about girls named Susan or Desiree or Clemma June.

jan at the information desk LOVES new office digs!

9/21/2013

Jan at the Information Desk is super excited about her new office digs or what we used to formerly call the supply room. Jan will be able to access all the information you need and then some, thanks to the new set up, which includes a gently used 2007 laptop, a power strip to stop any electrical surges, and a limited access to public scrutiny thanks to the revolutionary concept of a room with out a view.

Jan said " I love the new set up. No longer will I be tempted to stare out the window at the fleeting beauty of nature or contemplate what I'm having for lunch while pirating music and films from a supposedly blocked site. Plus, I have room for family photos and novelty items that say so much about who I am on a very shallow level. Thanks corporate and HR, you guys are the best!"

It sure is great to see our first line of communication happy as a clam in a tightly constricted shell area. Maybe, we should all have Jan's attitude toward change and see the silver lining in every grey cloud and the infinite possibilities for legal recourse in every company decision.

Ask A Sasquatch

9/19/2013

Dear Sasquatch,
With all the cameras being put up around the country, and everybody carrying phones that take videos, are the sasquatches getting nervous it'll be a lot harder to stay hidden? – CAMCORDER FREAK

Dear Freak,
Not really. We spend most of our time where cameras aren't usually put, like national parks, wilderness areas and such. And often we actually try to get caught on peoples camera phones, like in the background of vacation pictures. Since the few of us you do see on camera are only believed to be real by Duck Dynasty type folks anyway, we don't worry about it at all. ;-)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Sasquatch,
Why do you hide from people? Why not just come right out and show yourselves. – TRYING TO UNDERSTAND

Me sitting quietly. Nice camo, huh?

Dear Trying.
Well there is a picture of me right at the top of this column. That's hardly what I'd call hiding. But I know what you mean, most of us are not so easily seen. Basically we're really shy. And we actually sort of dig the mythos, so we spend a lot of time walking around in mud and soft ground leaving enticing footprints. Or we go through camper's stuff at night when they're sleeping and trade things with other camper's stuff for kicks. Then we sit quietly in a camouflaged spot and wait for the fun to ensue. You guys really crack us up when you get freaked out.

Ed. Note: If you've got some thing you like to ask our sasquatch just visit our CONTACT page and address your question to "Dear Sasquatch!"

NEW COMEDY BIT!

9/19/2013

OK this isn't so much a blog entry as a news item, but we wanted to make sure everyone saw it so we're putting the announcement here too!

There's a brand new FREE audio bit up for downloading and/or listening to on our HOME page. In the (Not Quite Every) Fortnight Feature section on the right hand side. It's an ad for our favorite new product "Absolutely Nothing."

Check it out... and thanks for dropping by!

This Post Brought To You By...

9/18/2013

AMANDA BYNES DATING ROBOT SHE THINKS IS REAL!

9/17/2013

Amanda: He's more than a friend, he's also a household appliance and a sensitive lover.

THIS SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING THAT SAYS PROCEED WITH CAUTION OR PORTIONS LARGER THAN ACTUAL PHOTO

9/16/2013

new from the duck logic warehouse!

9/15/2013

The Duck Logic Warehouse is proud to announce new items available at our rural outpost in the heartland.

We're proud to announce a new gospel collection of sacred hymns from PrayTel called Puttin On The Hymns. You'll get standards like "He walks with me, and he talks with me, and sometimes I just need alone time", "Amazing Graceland", and "Jesus Loves Me This I Know or at Least Am Reasonably Sure Of At The Moment." These songs could cost as much as five dollars if you went to enough consignment stores, but we've put them altogether in one set for 9.99 with a free picture of my sister when she had to wear a neck brace.

Kids are excited about Stabby Things, the fun dart game that always leaves Mom looking for iodine and bandages and kids wondering how they lost that finger in the first place. Now just 9.99 with purchase of Camp Stamps, kids tatoos that let everyone know what you did this summer if you aren't afraid to wear it on your neck, or someplace a lot lower,for the rest of your life.

Finally, enjoy a pack of Ticorette gum, for Tourette's Syndrome Children who just can't help letting loose with a string of profanity when it's least expected and poorly timed.

The Duck Logic Warehouse, where you save money, and we save face, for now.

FROM A MOTHERS' PERSPECTIVE

9/14/2013

Jean, here with another way of looking at life From A Mothers' Perspective. I have had the most wonderful summer hiatus at the Betty Ford Clinic. Oh, it's not what you think. I was taking a sabbatical from my readers to catch up with all the wonderful stories of the people who are legally forced to spend three months of their life in what I can only describe as a cross between the local welcome wagon and those that should be on the wagon. Like, my stripper daughter-in-law. But more on that later.

Betty Ford Clinic is covered by most insurance plans so you know it's good. The help is only slightly more bitter than my son's three children after a lifetime of neglect and modern parenting. There are flowers on the tables, fresh cookies in the afternoons, and plenty of time to get to know how to use group therapy and I -statements. I need to say that I was pleasantly surprised to see my stripper daughter-in-law there for something that should have been addressed in her twenties. Anyway, we all have our daddy issues and she's no different. I am just so glad I can report to you wonderful readers of this blog, that there is a place that takes care of things when you decide that Jim Beam and Zoloft are daily dance partners. I'm talking to you, stripper daughter-in-laws' biological mother.

That's just a small picture of what I investigated over the summer at Betty Ford Clinic. It seems that there is this thing called confidentiality that makes normal human communication impossible without a bunch of lawyers getting involved. Next time, I tell you how to have fun with your grandchildren with just a screw driver and some basic fossil fuels.

Ask A Sasquatch

9/13/2013

Well I'm getting a whole lot less "are you really a sasquatch" questions, so thank you for that, but now there seems to be a preponderance of questions about the term "sasquatch." Maybe I should have listened to my agent and just gone with "Dear Bigfoot," but dammit, I'm proud to be a sasquatch! So here goes…

Dear Sasquatch
My friend says that a group of you would still be called "sasquatch," I say the plural is "sasquatches." Which one of us wins the steak dinner? - HUNGRY AND WAITING

Dear Hungry,
Actually they call us "Sasqueetch," when we're grouped together. Sorry, my idea of a joke. Heh, heh. The truth is that while either is acceptable, the most commonly used form by a far is "sasquatches," which is also a lot more fun to say. So get your bib ready, that free steak dinner is yours. And I know where you can get a killer tofu steak, if you're interested. Just sayin'.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

My favorite yeti!

Dear Sasquatch,
In your first column you said your people like the term "sasquatch" over "bigfoot." But what about "yeti?" Is that "pc" or "verboten?" - PREFERS CORRECTNESS

Dear Correctness,
"Yeti" is plenty "pc," if your'e a yeti. I do have some relatives that are yetis, but me, I'm a sasquatch. Yetis are usually found in the Himalayas and are often partially to all-white. Basically it's like this: a sasquatch is to a bigfoot, what a yeti is to an abominable snowman. Some of my relatives are hard to hang out with, but they're not abominable. And while I'm sure you meant it with the best of intentions, none of us are "people." It's really easy, say it with me now, "sass---qwat---chh", there, I knew you could do it.

Ed. Note: If you've got some thing you like to ask our sasquatch just visit our CONTACT page and address your question to "Dear Sasquatch!"

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