REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER FRIDAY OCT. 25, 2013
by Josh Newcombe
Harvey Brittane of Teidmont, IL pulled off a real first last Sunday evening when his ebay auction closed and he had successfully sold… his soul.
"I'm soooooo glad I didn't go with a Fixed Price Sale," Harvey exclaimed. " It went for much more than anyone I know thought it was worth." Apparently a bidding war started and the price just kept going up. "Man those demons are really obsessed beings."
I asked how he knew it was demons doing the bidding. "I don't really believe in that stuff, so I thought it was a joke at first. But then they showed up at the door wanting my signature in blood. Blood! None of my other ebay customers have ever done that, so I got a little suspicious. But then I remembered you can really wreck your seller feedback if you don't deliver as promised, so I went through with it."
The soul sold for a total of $666.00. Which seemed a little too "on the money" to me, but Harvey said it wasn't a coincidence, when it hit that price they moved the bidding war to a sort of "back door" auction with the demons emailing him offers and counter offers for things other than money.
"I was hoping against hope for maybe a used car or something when I saw this new development," he added, "But now I've got a great management level job at NüBorne Chemical just south of Olinoy, with yearly raises, bonuses, a retirement program, medical and dental benefits, and a bunch of lower paid people around who do all the real work for me. Plus I've got a nice house in a gated community. And you know those hot woman like you see on TV? They're finally interested in me. It's pretty cool."
When I asked him what gave him the idea to sell his soul on ebay, he said "Well, the damned thing was just sitting around collecting dust. I wasn't using it for anything, hell, now I don't know why I held onto it for this long."
House up for sale! Near President and Senate and only minutes away from train. Needs some fixing up and updating to make it look like it did on cover of 1990 Good Housekeeping magazine. Ready to move in, great view of a bunch of other buildings that are also a part of the government. Call Sarah at Palin Real Estate between the hours of 9 and 5. Open house this Tuesday for all interested in seeing just what this house is made of and why we're so excited to offer it for under listing price!
According to the accompanying photo and, Goldie, the guy that works at the Jewel Deli, the original forefathers were honkies. They dressed like honkies, acted like honkies, and generally carried on like honkies do. The honkiest of the honkies was John Hancock who refused to be seen in public with a comb pick in his head between the hours of now and forever. The least honkiest was Ben Franklin who liked the ladies and a big bottom, both on his badonkadonks and his funk music, both of which were always near Franklinstein or Franklidelic as he was known on the streets and certain neighborhoods of Philly.
The original forefathers might have talked a good game, but they couldn't back it up with action when it came to being true brothers under that powder white skin. Like these honkies were the picture of don't have your mouth write a constitution that your ass can't ratify. If you doubt the veracity (honkie word of the day) of these claims, then you're just a history hater and afraid that you may be a honkie too. Remember they were called the forefathers, not the funkfathers and you know George Clinton and Bootsy wouldn't be caught dead in those costumes. Trick or treat, indeed.
Sy, your hi-fi guy, with another peak inside the record collection selection club. This week we salute the beginning of the world series with a team that wouldn't know how to get there if they were given tickets and a google map. That's right, today we take a run around the bases with Great Moments in Cubs Baseball like there ever were any. The kicker is it's presented by Jack "He's A " Brickhouse. And, yeah, he is mighty, mighty. He had to be to make guys named Sauer, Grimm, and Hartnett sound like anything other than a really depressing cop show or a law firm without a firm grip on the law itself. Sauer and Grimm is the way Cubs fans feel at the end of every baseball season.
This album has pictures that look nothing like the actual players, way too many words to read on the front cover, and great moments in Cubs baseball, like the time Ron Santo opened a pizza chain or Ernie Banks played two when he was only supposed to play one. I think we're talking ponies, here. Anyway, I didn't listen to the whole record cause it skips alot. I mean nothing on the alleged Sammy Sosa or the time Harry Carey said Rico Petrocelli's name backwards and had to go into the witness protection program for the month of September. Next time, The Language of Wolves by Robert Redford , a tribute to the Chicago Wolves and minor league hockey slang.