 The tasteless leather sofa in the unmemorable apartment complex may be more than just an eyesore.
The Sofa Sage says the only thing standing between us and the Russians is a thin strip of land and a piece of water that's hardly worth mentioning. What else will this fiery combination of Nostradamus, Isaiah, and Fred in marketing provide for our worldview? Sure, he looks like a guy you'd ignore at sparsely attended after hours get togethers, but once you get past the stunned look and bland wardrobe you know you are dealing with more than a tech troubleshooter in quality control. More details on this phenomena as they come into our headquarters.  New this Easter… Cambell's Jelly Beans & Franks!
It's tough during the Easter season to get kids to eat anything other than candy, so why fight 'em? Cambell's Jelly Beans & Franks gives them what they want, while making sure they still get enough protein to keep 'em running strong! And adults like 'em too! Jelly Beans & Franks… Happy Easter, from Cambell's! Happy Good Friday everybody! Time for Jesus to try on a new chapeau…
 New Poly/Cotton Candy!
Instead of pure sugar, poly/cotton candy is spun from a blend of sugar and Splendida®, the new artificial sweetener made from scientifically natural… uhhhh… stuff! Poly/Cotton Candy holds its shape bite after bite, costs a lot less than its name-sake and won't spoil anyone's dinner with a lot of useless calories. Plus all the lab tests we've paid for show only a slightly long list of side-effects occurring so far! New Poly/Cotton Candy, they'll never know the difference... at least not for a good long time.  From The Desk Of Walter’s Brain:
I never took advanced placement classes in school. No honors English. No AP Biology. I was definitely not a candidate for skipping a grade. In fact, in some cases, I kind of went in the other direction. But the conventional wisdom goes like this: “Whoa, Johnny’s doing really well in Freshman Algebra. He’s acing all his tests, 104% on everything he does. He understands the theories easily, absorbs information like a sponge. He’s way ahead of any other kid in his class.” The conventional solution for Johnny’s terrible predicament goes like this: “Since Johnny’s doing so incredibly well, sailing through his present level, it obviously means he’s not being ‘challenged’ by the work. Learning what’s expected of him and getting straight A’s must be boring to poor Johnny. Let’s pull Johnny out of that tedious, ol’, age-appropriate, Freshman class and stick him into a more ‘advanced,’ more ‘stimulating’ Sophomore class.” In other words: let’s take Johnny out of an environment where he’s far superior to everyone around him, a situation where he can excel, and artificially introduce him into a new environment where he’s just average again. Congratulations Johnny, you’ve just been rewarded! (Said the kid in remedial reading.) I think… therefore I am an anomaly. Weather reports may say otherwise but today is the Vernal Equinox,
the first day of Spring and the signs are all around…  Good day, readers. I'm here again to bring a smile to your face, a glow to your cheeks, and a hint of drama to any family get together. I know I asked you to send me your letters on your lives as mothers and I was surprised at the response. Here is one letter I chose for this column:
Dear Jean, What do you do with a meddling mother-in-law who can't keep her big nose out of family matters, especially when it comes to her son, grand daughter, and daughter-in-laws' daily lives? Signed, Invaded in Inverness Dear Invaded, Maybe you need to look at this from a different perspective, a mother's perspective, and then you'll be able to see that what looks forceful and "meddling", is actually keeping your family from irrepairable psychological damage done by you or anyone on your side of the family fence. A mother never does more than she's asked unless she's never asked in the first place. Jean I hope that helps all you moms who just don't know when to say when or how to say no to anything that never included you in the first place. Until next time, love with an open heart, learn with an open mind, and talk with an open mouth.  HERE ARE YOUR TV LISTINGS FOR SATURDAY:
THIS F'IN TV: The Quiet Man Marathon- John Wayne, Barry F'in Fitzgerald. A quiet man moves to Ireland and gets in a fight in a small village. Rated S for Stereotypes. The Quieter Man- sequel to the Quiet Man with people saying ti ti, begorah and other lrish sayings that real Irish people don't say. Rated P for Passable. None of the originals in cast. The Even Quieter, Almost Inaudible Man- Barry Fitzgerald Junior, Joe Wayne, and the beautiful countryside of Boston star in the last film in this series about the sound quality and volume of a man who struggles to be heard above the din of public outcry. Rated F for F'in Kidding Me! TRAVEL CHANNEL- A Visit to Irish Parade Routes- a must see, for people who have no idea where to go for the best Irish Parade Routes. You'll find out where to park your car without having to cross through an alley and see things no human eye should be exposed to, and you'll meet locals who are actually unsuccessful actors with no ear for accents. Absinthe makes the heart go wander. |
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