 My name is Sy Zetner. That's Sy with an S and no silent P.
I don't do it Gangman style. I am here to dip into the Record Collection of some solid sounds, or as you skinny- jean wearing, neck- bearded sissies might say, "spin the platters that matters". I don't even care if you don't say that last part. You should. If you have any testosterone left in your body. That goes double for all you ladies who think you're guys but still insist on going to the little girls room to powder your nose and get some digits. I just wanna lay some groovy tracks on your backs and see if you can dig on my musical facts. Today I am talking about one of the funniest comedy albums of all time. Woody Woodbury's Saloonatics. This ain't no Lonely Island, as you can tell by the lovely lady who is bending over to serve Woody a drink and give you an early look at the new episode of Leave It To Cleavage. Sure, you can get all kinds of funny songs on you tubes, I tunes and Who's ats? But only the Saloonatics will have you laughing and peeing your pants at the same time. Woody takes on drunks, drinks, drinking, and whatever else is lying around the liquor cabinet of comic cocktails. And he does it with his usual flair and grace as you can tell by that smart ass grin and hat that screams hilarious every time you pull the vinyl out of it's sleeve. So leave the comedy to the Saloonatics on this album and you'll never have to go to another one of those church basement programs again. Now make yourself useful and get your Uncle Sy a Highball filled with hijinx and just the right balance of heartbreak motor oil and bombay gin.  Dear Zombie,
I'm not a cannibal or anything, but I have always wondered what humans taste like. Since I'm not planning on becoming zombified anytime soon I thought I'd ask you. Whadya say? – DYING TO KNOW Dear Dying, You're gonna find this hard to believe, but they taste a lot like chicken. Dip 'em in a little breading, toss 'em in a fryer and other than the shape, you'd swear you were sitting in a KFC. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dear Zombie, Are any of the other members of your family zombies, or is it just you? And if it's only you, then are you still in contact with them? - FAMILY MAN Dear FM, No, none of them are zombies… yet. My dad won't have anything to do with me, but my mom still writes. She'd prefer I didn't visit because it "riles up" my dad to see me. But occasionally I hang out near their place just to get a look at them again. I've been thinking of crashing their Thanksgiving dinner this year and enjoying a bite or two. ;-) (ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)  Don't adjust your computer. That's my actual face. It's not gonna get any prettier. You can't improve perfect. Just ask Fat Gladys in receivable accounts. The last thing Gladys received was a cease and desist order at the all you can eat buffet at Old Country Buffet. The only account that was receivable to Gladys was the company transfer account on account it was transferrable from one foot to the other when she stood on the scale at home. Gladys ain't such a bad gal, she keeps us on our toes. Everytime she steps on them. I'm not saying she's heavy, but we found out our profits were down because Gladys was sitting on them. I tell you that woman sure likes to eat. She was once so hungry she said she could eat a horse. They had to close the horse track down the next day. It's a shame. She's got such a pretty face and nice personality. If she was in a beauty contest she'd win first place for Miss Congeliality, if that means her blood congeals every time she tries to eat some more of her fried chicken. I know I kid Fat Gladys, but the company couldn't make it without her. She knows her way around receivable accounts and receivable pizza deliveries. Well, that's all I gotta say about Fat Gladys. I think next column, I'll head over to Kooterville and talk about Greg With The Wooden Leg at the post office. They say he don't got a leg to stand on. He might not have a leg, but he sure has a log. That's all for Chip's Quips this week. Laugh at yourself, before somebody beats you to it.
CHIP'S QUIPS CAN BE FOUND IN THE OLINOY REPORTER EVERY FRIDAY. THIS IS A NEW COLUMN FROM JULY 26, 2013. CHIP WILL BE AT THE BOOK BARN THIS SUNDAY JULY 28, 2013 TO SIGN COPIES OF HIS NEW BOOK "CHIP'S QUIPS". REPRINTED FROM THE OBITUARY SECTION OF THE OLINOY REPORTER - JULY 25TH, 2013  Pete's Pizza Palace Leaving. Not Cheesy Enough For You?
by Charlie "Two Snacks" Roscoe OK, I don't usually write for the obituary pages, and they don't usually print full stories. But I felt like I had a horse in this particular race so I petitioned to write this myself. And since nobody's died in Olinoy this week, they let me do it. I gotta say, this is one buccaneer that'll soon be drowning in more than a few rum and colas, me heartys. Because only 2 1/2 months after opening, Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace is drawing her bridge, weighing her anchor and closing her doors on Friday night. And for that one night, believe it or not, you can call it "Cheesy Pete's Fish Fry Friday Palace," because Pete is completely out of pizza ingredients. "Something went wrong with the supply truck on the way to us from Chicago." he told us. "But, lucky for us, back when it was open, Frank's Fish and Chips only got a fish delivery every 3 months because this boat has a really big freezer on the lower deck. Their fish guy never got the message they closed, so we accepted the delivery. We may have got no pizza, but boy have we got fish." Pete's planning to serve a lot of fish on his last day open to, as he put it, "try to at least make something off this money pit." So, YES, there WILL once again be a Fish Fry Friday at Retention Pond Lake. With Pete's luck, everybody will finally be ordering pizzas. But I'll be rooting for you, Pete! Also I wanted to take a moment to offer a public thank you to Marty Bloorshky, who recently returned my beautiful pirate waitress statue stolen by his son, Roger and his pals as a prank. Marty told me he took one look at what his son had taken, and he knew somebody would be sorely missing her, because he certainly would be. Well Marty, Pete said he'd let his go for cheap if you're interested. Anyway now that Cheesy P's is closing, she's all I'll have left, so thanks, buddy. I wish there were more dads out there like you. And Roger. i'll be looking forward to seeing you and your lawn mower the next 6 weekends. I like it short, neat, and at an angle to the street.  NEW BOOKS FROM JK ROWLING, BILL 'O' REILLY AND OUR OWN CHIP KOOTER!
The Book Barn at The Centerville Shopping Center is proud to announce the recent arrivals of new books by JK Rowling, Bill 'O' Reilly, and our very own Chip Kooter. The JK Rowling book is entitled The Cuckoo's Calling Center and is about a mystical Call Center that employs people in their mid to late 20's who got a liberal arts degree and know way too much about Harry Potter. Rowling said the book will have wizards, dumb nerd games, and a main character named Harry who happens to have the last name Potter and be depressed that he is managing a call center. Bill 'O' Reilly continues writing historical fiction that is wildly inaccurate, but great entertainment, with his new book, The Confederate Generals: Racists With A Vision. Pay close attention to the meticulous detail that is evident on both the cover and back photos of the author himself. The last book on our reading list is by local author Chip Kooter who has captured the foibles and fables of our time with his latest titled Chips Quips. Chip promises more quips and less tips this time around. Chip is bound to have you rolling with laughter when you recognize you or somebody you know in one of his quips. That's the latest arrivals at The Book Barn at The Centerville Shopping Center in Centerville. It's for people who love books and barns alike.  Dear Zombie,
If you're really a zombie, why hasn't someone shown up at the Duck Logic headquarters to try to blow you away by now? If I believed you really were one I'd hunt you down myself. – ZOMBIE RETIRER Dear Retirer, The folks here still think I like wearing my Halloween costume all year, and since i'm getting such a big response to the column they aren't asking questions. But I've had plenty of close calls on the way to and from work for sure. People still have that "only good zombie is a dead zombie" attitude where I hang out, so I've really gotta be careful. Of course, if you did track me and kill me, I'd only come right back as a new zombie again. With hell filled up there's nothing else I could do. So maybe you should just retire yourself. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dear Zombie, If, to become a zombie you have to be bitten by one, then… how does it start? How does the first zombie become one? Hmmmm? – UNBELIEVER Dear Unbeliever, While being bitten by a zombie is a surefire way to become one, that's just one of the paths to zombiedom. Zombies are like mushrooms. The possibility for them always exists, in the very air all around you, but the conditions have to be just right for them to emerge. So the first zombie just showed up, no bitting necessary. What are the right conditions? That would be telling. ;-) (ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)  Jean here, again, to provide A Mother's Perspetive for all those issues that need the wisdom of a mom.
I haven't been writing my column on a regular basis because some people at this blog think I am turning the page over to rants about my cuckolded son and his less than upstanding wife. Well, I should rephrase that last part. She's less than upstanding only when she isn't up standing near a stripper pole. But more on that later readers. It's just so comforting to know that censorship exists in the least likely places. I mean I thought these boys had a sense of humor, but the memos from legal and corporate seem to disagree with yours truly. Anyway, here's some thoughts on some items that crossed my desk since we last got together over a hot cup of coffee and a cease and desist letter. Ladies, never wear anything too revealing in public. You want to remain a mystery that he wants to read and that tramp stamp is only going to send him back to his Nook for another book. That goes double for former strippers who have not aged well. Every mother needs to know that your children are your ticket to the greatest moments in life, providing the ticket is not printed out on cheap business card stock and obviously a fake. Women know that being a Mom requires the ability to juggle home, work and community like they were those bowling pins and you were one of those street performers who bother you every time you try to enjoy an art festival or a free block party that has been crashed by the people in the next block over. But enough about that trash. I should end my column with a bit of advice about outdoor entertaining and making your guest list. Friends are fine when you wine and dine. Family are fun if it's one and done. Former stripper daughter in laws give one plenty to pause when sons won't take direction on public displays of affection. Well, ladies I have a meeting with my attorney to attend and some calls to make when it comes to taking care of this little issue about my column and the many times we need A Mother's Perspective. REPRINTED FROM THE EYE ON FOOD SECTION OF THE OLINOY REPORTER - JULY 12TH, 2013  I Ate At Pete's & It Was Plenty Cheesy! 4 Forks Up!
by Charlie "Two Snacks" Roscoe Ahoy again, Me Heartys! I'm back and this time I've actually eaten at Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace over at Retention Pond Lake. The excitement builds. Pete Pedersson, owner, has recently added anchovies to the menu to satisfy the folks who are still coming for the long defunct fish fry Friday held at Frank's, the previous owner of the building. When they finally realize we're a pizza place, they say "OK then gimmie a pizza with anchovies, at least we'll get a little fish." So we had to add anchovies to the menu. I hate anchovies. I really liked that we didn't have anchovies. But now we've added anchovies." And that's just one of the many improvements Pete has made since I wrote that first story. A comely lass in a half pirate-themed and half Hooters-inspired outfit took my order, and treated me like an old salt rather than the landlubber I am. Or so I thought. Turns out that's just a statue Pete bought to help "pirate up" the inside of the place. Lesson: don't have more than one rum and cola at their new outside bar before your meal. Lesson 2: You can buy a statue just like Pete's to "serve" you in your own house, I know because I 'm now greeted every morning by the image to the left. Upon talking to a real person, I ordered two small pizzas, one pepperoni and the other a veggie medley with extra cheese. This IS Cheesy Pete's after all. Plus I got an order of fries and small salad as appetizers. The fries were hot and the salad was cold. Go figure… that's just how I like 'em! When the pizzas arrived at the table they were still steaming! My first piece was wonderfully crisp on the bottom and the perfect temperature to burn the roof of mouth off on the top. Yowsa! What's not to love? That's pizza all right. I decided to have another rum and cola. Pete's also started a new promotion: you come in with a parrot on your shoulder, your second pizza is free! Not a bad deal, especially if you own a parrot and are really hungry. I asked Pete if this is a parrot heavy area of Illinois. "I haven't seen one yet." he said. Hmmm? Good luck Cheesy Pete. You get 4 Forks Up and a "YO-HO-HO" from me!  Jan at the information desk is up to her neck in work and wanted to take this opportunity to see if anybody out there was up for a good time.
We should warn you that the words "good time" cover an ever expanding territory for our citadel of service to the information seeking reader. For instance, one "good time" Jan hot wired a city bus and took a bar full of strangers to Atlantic City for the weekend without leaving a phone number or any information about where she was staying. That's our spontaneous combuster! Needless to say all arrived home in fairly good shape with spotty memories of a fist fight on the boardwalk with a guy named One Eye and a girl named Shady Lady or some other name that sounds like it came from a Bruce Springsteen song. Another time, Jan decided it would be a great idea to send a computer virus to all of her friends and congress. We don't have to tell you how that one ended. We're still paying the legal bills for that. So if you really are up for a good time, by all means join Jan and her life without a plan romp. Yes, we used the word romp and we don't bring that out unless the circumstances fit. Trust us, this will be a romp, and maybe a barnburner, though Jan has already been there and done that, four times if our memory serves us well. "Good time" Jan needs your answer by 9 pm or you won't get to ride shot gun.  Dear Zombie,
I'm thinking of putting together a kid's book called "Zombie On A Zamboni," 'cuz two of my favorite things are zombies and hockey. (Go Hawks!) Anyway, I'm talking with every zombie I can find to do research for it. Is there anything I should know that you can tell me before I get started? – THE GRINDER Dear Grinder, The main thing you should definitely know is… never tell another writer your book idea until you've got a publisher and due date. Especially a zombie writer, when its clear the idea would sell much easier coming from an actual zombie. I'm also a "Hawk-ey" fan and actually have a picture of myself on one of their zambonis. It's gonna make a great image for the book flap bio. I will say thank you as well though, "Thank You," and that's more than you'd get from most writers. Now you know. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Dear Zombie, Once someone becomes a zombie, is that it? I mean is there ever any way they can come back? Like a spell, or a special drink or something? 'Cuz my parents really get upset when something happens to my kid brother while I'm supposed to be watching him. I could be looking at a life grounding here. - DEEP TROUBLE Dear Trouble, I hate to be the bearer of bad news… but once a zombie, always a zombie. I say let your brother tell your parents the news himself. He'll convince them there's nothing they can or should do about it. Of course, then they'll probably all want to have short a "family meeting" with you. But at least you won't be grounded. (ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!) REPRINTED FROM THE FRONT PAGE OF THE OLINOY REPORTER - JULY 5TH, 2013  "CHEESY" PETE'S NOW OPEN AT RETENTION POND LAKE by Charlie "Two Snacks" Roscoe Ahoy, Mateys! There's a brand new place to eat pirate themed goodies in Olinoy, Illinois! Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace is the fourth restaurant to open in the ship shaped building at the south end of Retention Pond Lake, home of northern Illinois' longest manmade "beachfront." First it was The Lobster Boat, which sunk in only two months. Northern Illinois isn't known for it's "fresh catches." Then came Pirates of the Caribbean, but Caribbean cuisine was apparently too adventurous for your average Olinoyan, plus it tasted kinda funky. Frank's Fish & Chips followed and found a fairly large following for it's Fish Fry Fridays, but sadly almost no customers the rest of the week. Well all hands on deck folks, something different has sailed into town! New owner and pizza maker Pete Pedersson said "It was supposed to just be "Pete's Pizza Palace" but there weren't enough rectangles across the top of the sign for that. And we had to cover the words "fish & chips" that were already there because we don't serve fish, not even anchovies, so we went with the word "cheesy." He said they also added dots to the unused spaces, "to sorta be like pepperonis." The very day the sign went up someone called him "Cheesy Pete," and it stuck. "I'm not fond of it, but we're embracing it. We may as well, I found out you can't really change this place into a palace from a pirate ship without spending a lot of money, you know? So we got that kid from the high school who drew their mascot working on a logo of Cheesy Pete the Pirate. And we also got that guy who plays Santa at the Olinoy Outlet Mall every year to dress up as Cheesy Pete and do the treasure hunts with the kids on the weekends." Pete also insisted we mention there is NOT a fish fry on friday anymore. "Our biggest lines are on Friday night, but half of them are coming for the fish they used to get at Frank's. We put a giant pizza up on top of the boat that even lights up at night, but folks still try to order all-you-can-eat fish when they get to the counter. We use the freshest frozen ingredients, so our pies really are good. I'm keeping fingers crossed that'll carry us." Featured at Cheesy Pete's every day around 3 PM, just for the kids, is a treasure hunt right out on the beach, whoever collects the most discarded booty (pirate lingo for "trash") wins a free pizza slice and a drink. Will Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace be the first to make a go of it at Retention Pond Lake? Hard to say, but I'll be setting sail for the south end to get my pizza sooner rather than later, in case they suddenly have to weigh anchor! And I promise to let you know whether it gets a "Yo-Ho-Ho!" or a Yo-Ho-Hum." |
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