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2/28/2013

Wash those sins away with new Pope on a Rope Soap!

What better way to celebrate Pope Benedict XVI's time as head of the Catholic Church.

He's not pope anymore, but he still can attend to your most personal needs. Rub this likeness of his holiness over your skin and soul stains disappear like magic!

Scented to bring back those memories of Frankincense and Myrrh wafting through the church of Sundays past.

Plus embedded inside every bar is a little pope staff just like the one he carried. When you've used up the soap, you'll have it to put on your key chain to remind you every day of the intimate time you spent cleansing yourself with the pope… on a rope... soap!

this baby loves crawling, but wants to direct

2/27/2013

This baby may look cute and loveable at first glance, but 5 month old Danny Dukes of Centerville, Illinois is more than meets the eye. In fact, Danny isn't just any baby. He has big plans according to his clingy mother, April:

"Who's a good boy? Who loves to crawl? Who's a crawling little man? Is Danny a crawling little man who doesn't want to be limited by societal expectations of age, size and developmental biases?" April coos to her little baby boy who is oblivious to his surroundings as he sticks his hands out grasping for air and making indiscriminate sounds that probably stand for something in his mind, but are completely lost on this reporter.

Yes, Danny loves crawling, but it's really directing he would like to focus his attention on next. His mother adds:

"Nookie, googie, pee pee, noo noo. He loves crawling across the living room, spitting up on my shoulder, and, of course, self stimming by trying to lift himself up to a complete stand, but he has let us know that he really wants to direct. He isn't clear on whether it would be a small off-loop theater production or a large scale musical, all we know is that it will include an all baby cast."

It doesn't make a lot of sense to us either, but this little tike did learn to crawl on his own, and I wouldn't sell Danny short on his next steps. After all, out of the mouths of babes come the words of tomorrow's infants and the thoughts of the day after tomorrow's toddlers. See you in the director's chair, Danny Dukes. Right next to the potty training toilet and the hope of things to come.

It's news to us

2/27/2013

Frozen Soy Burger Sales PluMmet 47% After "Horseradish" Scandal

2/26/2013

Horseradish stems, corn husks, spinach stalks and in some cases broccoli "parts," have been found in soy burgers coming out of an Illinois food plant and vegetarians are outraged.

100% Soy burgers from the Crafty Foods, Northern Illinois patty plant have been tested and found to contain more than a 73% blend of ground non-soy vegetable-based products.

In a local grocery store frozen section we found some meat eaters were confused, "It's all vegetables so what's the difference, right?" said carnivore Ed Harrison of Olinoy, IL.

To which veggie lover Betty Sue Whalens retorted, "It's not so much what it was, it's that we weren't being told. I'd be happy to eat whatever crap they put in it as long as it's labelled properly."

A spokesperson from the plant said "We have to put that stuff somewhere, we have an awful lot of it left over from other factories and we're not allowed to just dump it. Up to now the don't ask, don't tell approach has seemed to be the best one for us. Besides soy doesn't taste like much without it."

Even the most seasoned advertising copywriter will have their job cut out for them to spin horseradish stems into a delectable selling point. But once the scandal blows over it seems clear that Crafty Foods, and indeed soy burger producers everywhere, will keep right on doing whatever is the most profitable.

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2/25/2013

VARIOUS ARTISTS - Alogrithm & Blues (2013)

While the late 80's saw a huge influx of electronic drum beat music, it wasn't until 2011 when an eclectic subset of it, mathematically correct music, found it's audience. Although it isn't for the casual music fan, this collection of 15 jams from the favorites of the subgenre is sure to resonate for anyone with a head for precise kinetic energy.

Featuring the now all-too-familiar "(Let's Get) Quantum Physical," by Sir Isaac Newton-John, it also compiles some of the lesser known adherents to this sound.

Atom Smash Mouth deftly blends religion and science in the ultra-danceable "Noah's Quark," The incredible String Theory Band discovers a "Black Hole In My Heart," Gone Fission gets the corpuscles pumping with "This Magic Momentum." and the all female group The Fermilab Four start an endearing chain reaction on "To Cern, With Love."

Plus the softer grooves of the group Einstein's Brother make waves with their regional tear jerker "I Love You, Relatively Speaking,"

Mathematically correct music's time has come and with any luck it'll be gone at the speed of light, so take your DNA to wherever it is you get your music from these days before entropy sets in . - allthemusic.com

oscar, nascar, let's call the whole thing off

2/24/2013

Hey, Oscar, where's Felix? Yeah, it's time to combine the thrill of forcing a fellow driver into a wall with the reality of forcing a fellow actor into a career wall. Red carpet or redneck. Daniel Day Lewis or Daytona 500. Plunging necklines or plunging ratings. Danika Patrick is still in the pole position on and off the track and Tommy Lee Jones can cause more damage than that wreck at Daytona yesterday if he doesn't win.

So call up the guys down at the garage and your friends who have always liked musical theater a bit too much and enjoy the ungodly hybrid of High Fashion and High Octane that is this day. Oscar, Nascar, everybody wins in the end, unless you're a member of the Hollywood Press Corps or Rickie Jimmie Joe's pit crew.

Survey Says!

2/23/2013

Today marks the tenth anniversary of the death of one of the most powerful and influential men in modern history you’ve probably never heard of. Here's his obit from 2003:

Robert K. Merton, father of the focus group, 7/4/10 - 2/23/03

One out of three subjects in the target segment express sorrow at the passing of Robert K. Merton, the sociologist credited with inventing the focus group. Although final numbers are not in, topline results report 36% of respondents feel sad. “We were hoping to at least reach the Action Standard of 47%,” his widow, Harriet Zuckerman said at the de-briefing/church service. “We’ll have to do some additional tweaking before we go through with the burial.” Visitation for Mr. Merton will be at Strategic Marketing Solutions, on Industrial Park Drive, six at a time, through a two-way mirror.

from A MOTHER'S POINT OF VIEW

2/22/2013

Hello, readers. It's Jean, again. So much has happened since my last column. Where do I begin?

I have moved into my wonderful office at Duck Logic Headquarters and I can't tell you how much these boys have made me feel welcome and at home here. They even put my name on my office door. I sure hope that's not permanent marker. They spelled my first name with a G and my last name with a swastika. Remember, everyone's entitled to one mistake, as long as they don't become a habit. Like the one my son's wife developed when she was pregnant with their oldest. But this is a column about smiles and kind words and I promise you that is what you will get every week as long as I write on your internets and blogs. Oh, and I also learned that I am still a "special Valentine" to my husband Pete. See how a quick stop at Walgreen's can make all the difference in a day.

Well, it's time to think about the world from a mother's point of view.

You're probably wondering how my family is doing and I have some news on that front.

My son has changed the locks on his doors and informed me not to attend any more school activities for his youngest daughter, Casey. I think you know who needs to turn their frown upside down and let his mother have a little more leeway when it comes to persuading the school volleyball coach to keep their face out of my favorite tavern and let my grand daughter play more than that future bag of fat known as Christine Zalborelli. If you want to know what a young girl will look like when they're older just look at the mother and the grandmother. Lovely ladies to talk to after church, but if they don't tweeze you swear you're talking to a pair of linebackers.

That's a bit of what has been going on in my life. I sure would love to hear from all you mothers about what is going on in your lives.

Until next time, love with an open heart, learn with an open mind, and talk with an open mouth.

Phil oziffer's weekly quote of the day

2/21/2013

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you catch the most with pure unadulterated bullshit.

DID YOU KNOW? WITH DR. JOE

2/20/2013

I'm Dr. Joe McCratty from the Institute of Things You Should Know About.

This week stop by The Institute and see our exhibit on Slippers- The Forgotten Footwear, an insightful look at the history of an American treasure. Kids get in free with parental guidance and orthodontic head gear.

Let me tell you a little about myself and why I have been chosen to write whatever this is that I am doing at the moment. I am a former Brigadier General of The US Naval Academy who has written articles on whodiggeries and whatchamajingies for everyone from the Naval News Bulletin to the Senior Sentinel and all points in between. I am older than you need to know and twice as smart as the next fella, so don't try to pull one over on me unless you want an earful of what the heck, an eyeful of blinding justice, and a mouthful of questionable bridge work. I joined the Institute Of Things You Should Know About as their local historian because I didn't have my reading glasses on and I thought it was a good way to inform the general public about the many things that go by undiscovered every day. The column is called Did You Know? With Dr. Joe because I wager that nobody under the age of 90 knows half the things that I am privvy to on a daily basis or as needed.

Today Did You Know? With Dr. Joe asks the question Did You Know That Steely Resolve and Determination Can Take a Man Further Than Any Foreign Made Vehicle? According to the folks at Danny's Diner and a well placed source at the Pentagon who may not actually be from the Pentagon after all, Steely Resolve gets 10 miles more per gallon than the highest selling Toyota brand and Determination handles every road test better than anything the Germans have come up with since the Blitzkrieg. Keep an eye out for more columns that keep you abreast of things you need to know about and always, always, Watch Out!!

puzzling evidence

2/19/2013

Some people have been asking, "Why ducklogiccomedy.com and not just ducklogic.com? You've never had "comedy" in the name before."

Well here's the answer. When we went to secure our name as a domain name… somebody already had it!

WHAAA!!?? That's right, there was already a ducklogic.com, and worse yet, it was company that doesn't seem to know anything about the logic of ducks at all.

There it is. A duck boat and waterfowl hunting equipment company.

Think about it, you're a duck and it's duck hunting season. What "logic" would you apply to this situation? Offer folks accessories to more easily kill you dead?

Or get some paint and change the sign to "Wabbit Season?" Hmmmm?

So we're Duck Logic Comedy. Which is AOK with us. But watch your backs boys, if you ever let payment on that domain name slip… it's as good as ours!

More puzzling evidence. Of what, we'll leave that to you.

REAGAN STAR WAR DEFENSE SYSTEM finally lands in russia , stirs thoughts in crazy minister's head

2/18/2013

"Better late than never" says cold war relic.

"It's not Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove riding a war missile, but it'll have to do", shouted Crazy Minister Pete Taylor of the Church For Pete Taylor's Crazy Thoughts . Pastor Pete, as he is known to his flock of currently one, just can't let go of the 1980's and this outdated defense system. And he believes he is not alone. He's even heard others who believe his philosophy that nothing good has happened since 1988. We're talking to you, guy who calls talk radio shows at midnight and still has poster of Huey Lewis in their room next to childhood bed.

The 80's are over. There isn't going to be another Back to The Future. Ever. Let. It. Go. Next caller.

When asked why he would comment on something like this, Pastor Pete simply said "Better late than never" before scurrying into a homemade bomb shelter made out of Downtown Julie Brown Hats, oversized shoulder pads, and tapes of Max Headroom shows. Here's hoping this is the last we hear from Pastor Pete and everyone in his oddly named congregation.

CARNIVAL CRUISE CUSTOMER loves her new look and better understanding of sewage problems

2/16/2013

Bonnie Karmack, 57, of Olinoy, Illinois, enjoys the view from the deck of the Carnival Cruise. Yeah, that one.

Bonnie was thrilled to have the chance to take a cruise and lose weight at the same time.

"More rancid chicken, claustrophobia, and sea sickness", exclaimed an obviously excited Ms. Karmack moments before losing all sense of equilibrium and ability to hold food down. That's the spirit Bonnie! Here's hoping you're a return customer. Three exclamation marks.

So, if you're looking for a place to send that recently divorced sister so she won't meddle in family affairs or e-mail pictures of her shoe closet, give Carnival a call and reserve a window seat and lots of chicken dinners. We promise you the standing sewage is free of charge next time.

Phil Oziffer's Weekly Quote Of The Day

2/14/2013

Money can't buy you love, but it works pretty well if you're just looking to rent.

BANANA JOE PESCI WINS WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW

2/14/2013

What you freakin' lookin' at?

What am I , a dog to you?

Do I amuse you?

Do you think I want my belly rubbed?

Go Scratch!

I gotta see a guy up in Jersey about a thing and a couple of dolls in Philly who make great leash candy, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don't you? Jesus, a guy wins first prize in a dog contest and he never hears the end of it. Oh, and tell Bobby The Pug to keep his smushed in puss away from my daughter's backside.

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