Dear Zombie, You speak really well. Not at all what I'd expect from a zombie. What's up with that? - CONFUSED AND SURPRISED Dear Confused, I can understand your surprise, especially if you've only seen zombies in the movies or on TV. I was bitten on the leg at a college graduation ceremony and then just "went zombie" so I'm still pretty intact. The zombies that can only grunt are usually undead that have been buried for quite a while and consequently don't have much of a brain or larynx left in working order. Rwarrrghgh. Yes, I do growl a bit, but that's due some finger meat stuck in my throat. I'll never eat a hand without removing the rings first again. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Dear Zombie, Settle a bet for me. My friend says all zombies do is eat, eat, eat. They grab somebody, tear 'em up, eat 'em until they come back as a zombie and then move to the next one. I say you've got to get full sometime, right? Who owes who the steak dinner? - MEDIUM RARE LOVER Dear Medium Rare, Your friend has been taken in by another Hollywood myth. While we do think of the land of the living as an open smorgasbord, we follow a little known rule: take all you want, but eat all you take. We get very full, but watching zombies play checkers or read a book doesn't make for very compelling story-telling. Two bits of advice, don't believe everything you see in the movies or on TV, and get that mouth ready for some free steak, hopefully from an all-you-can-eat restaurant. Rawawrghghph. (Ed. note: If you'd like to talk with a zombie, address your questions to "Dear Zombie" through the Duck Logic Comedy contact page.) The town of Villageburg, Illinois had a bit of a surprise for their annual Memorial Day Parade. The participants were more than chagrined when the traveling festivities were rerouted by construction on downtown Main Street and forced to go two blocks out of their way to First Street or Second Street. Actually, to be perfectly blunt, they all look the same to this reporter. The good news is that the parade did make it to the Villageberg cemetery in time for Tom Peters, of the Veterans of Future Wars and The Jaycee Memorial Day Events, to say a few kind words that most people could not hear because of the horrid sound system and the continuing need of those old guys with even older rifles to shoot round after round of blanks into the air, thus further damaging their already fragile ability to hear anything at all. I'm the little angry guy who fights the fights you can't fight because you don't know how to fight the people in power. A letter came across my desk the other day from one of you little guys who had to fight city hall and our mighty mayor. This letter described the way the city had given this fellow the runaround. I don't need to tell you that it involved parking tickets, licensing fees, patronage jobs, school closings, private contracts, park district shenanigans, and a whole laundry list of problems that I can't go into right now without getting even angrier than the photo that accompanies this column. I decided to do something about this letter and I immediately made a call to city hall. I let it ring three times before leaving a message with a number where they could reach me between the hours of 9 am and 1 pm on Mondays and every other Thursday. Needless to say, I didn't hear anything from city hall. Not even Mayor Moves His Mouth had any comment. I decided to send a letter through a bike courier with a title on top that spoke volumes: Open at your convenience! I think they knew this wasn't going to end in their favor or any time soon, so one of the city hall rats sent a letter through the US Postal service that was marked with the cryptic message " Undeliverable due to insufficient funds". I guess they had read my column on the waterfront project and the Mayoral Campaign For Insufficient Funds, because the only time somebody from city hall sends a response by US mail is when they know it needs to be there within a week or ten days and they can't get one of the stool pigeons at the other paper to write some PR column. I know how to fight city hall and I will do it for you if I have the time and there's nothing more important on the agenda, like fighting big business, tall orders, large conspiracies and overgrown government. Remember, I am always here for you, the little guy, and I'm angry on top of it. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it unless you are trying to quit. Oh, by the way, you know what happened to that letter about city hall? It ended with a nice form letter from the hooligans at city hall that actually had the signature of the mayor on the bottom. That's called getting results. For now. OLINOY DRIVE-IN OPENS THIS WEEKEND! NOW FEATURING PARKING PLACES, SPEAKER SYSTEM AND movies!5/22/2013 Dear Zombie, My parents say my zombie boyfriend doesn't really care about me and I shouldn't see him anymore. They think he's only after my fat thighs and brain. What should I do? – CHUBBY WITH A GOOD HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS Dear Chubby, Let your parents spend an evening alone with your boyfriend to get to know him better. They'll either change their minds… or lose 'em! Rarrrgh. But no matter which, your relationship will be good to go. And if he is after your fat thighs, then let him at 'em. You'll never find a quicker weight loss program. Bwaarghghgh. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Dear Zombie, I found a baby zombie behind the local grocery store and my parents won't let me keep him. They say I still haven't learned responsibility. They complain about walking the dog and feeding the fish, and they don't wanna have to take care of a zombie child too, but he's sooooo cute. What now? – DESPERATE FOR A NEW PET Dear Desperate, Rarrwwgh. Father's Day is coming up… I think you found the perfect gift.. (Ed. note: Do you need to Talk With A Zombie? Address your questions to "Dear Zombie" through the Duck Logic Comedy contact page! ) If the raised fist in today's column looks familiar, it may be due to the fact it has been a part of some of the most important moments in world history. Does anybody remember the Bolshevik Revolution? That one fist rising above the crowd? Yep,that's our photogenic friend in all his youthful glory. How about that fist that wanted an end to the war in Vietnam? Pretty sure that was the work of this fist. Anyone familiar with something called the fall of Communism and the Berlin Wall, the million man march, the Pullman Strike, the overthrow of any and all dictatorships in the last 50 years? Who do you think was there to observe these historically life changing events? Uh, somebody named Mr. Raised Fist, thank you very much! Oh, sure, some have tried to smear his name and reputation by saying they are pretty sure they have only seen him at meaningless sporting events and at Nickelback concerts when phones and lighters are in short supply, but we beg to differ. You see we stand by our belief that this raised fist is not just a hand model seeking employment as a hand puppeteer or a hand actor, we know that this is the fist that, clenched together, represents all of us and none of us, heading towards the heavens in an attempt to end every bad thing that ever happened or is about to happen to mankind. So, raise your fist to This Raised Fist, because, without it, we would merely be hands wildly grasping for the sky, lost in our daily struggles to be noticed. Yes, dare I say it, a raised hand never to be called on again. REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER - MAY 8, 2013 Debbie "Dot" Harrison "Polka Dots" by Debbie Harrison Why "Polka" Dots? Hmmmm? Why? C'mon, I can't be the only one wonderin'. Why don't we ever hear about Waltz-Dots, or Jitterbug-Dots, or Texas Two-Step-Dots? Ballet-Dots??? I haven't seen 'em. Cha-Cha-Dots seem like a natural but nope, none to be found. And don't even bring up Flamenco-Dots, Bolero-Dots or Tango-Dots, unless you wanna be stared at long and hard by the lady behind the fabric counter at HobbyTown, and hear her snort at you, "'cuz it hasn't happened yet and it ain't gonna," like she's some kind of queen of the fabric psychics, or something. Now I've always believed Hula-Dots or Rhumba-Dots could be popular. Both dances seem to have enough panache to pull off dots. And I know I'd be first in line to wear some Limbo-Dots, wouldn't you? They just sound like fun. Limbo Dots! Say it with your real low voice, Limboooo Dottssss! C'mon, you giggled too, right? But no, we live in a world where the polka is only dance celebrated in fabric with dots, and I may never know why. But I'll keep askin'... for all of us. You're welcome. Mother's Day means getting flowers at Walgreen's, the local grocery store or anywhere that you can go in and get a bunch of flowers and a card that says "I thought of you just long enough to pull over and get these flowers and this impersonal card." She'll thank you and you'll feel marginally closer to your mom. Mother's Day means celebrating motherhood with tulips, brunch, and unsolicited criticism. Nothing says Mother's Day like a day where the woman who "brought you into this world and can take you out of it" gets to surround herself with those she loves and family. Say you love her this Mother's Day with a card from Hallmark and make sure you don't mumble when you talk, and, for god's sake, dress like you're not 14 for one day. Is that too much for a mother to ask from the child who put her through so much, including the longest labor in recorded history? Mother's Day. She gets one day for her, you get the rest of the year to recover. Centerville Shoppping Center is proud to announce the opening of the first Book Barn in the surrounding area. The Book Barn is based on the concept that people like barns as much as they love books, and this new store is no different as you can tell by the shopper perusing our vast inventory that fits into a 200 square foot building. This week the Book Barn has specials on The Great Gatsby Coloring Book, Jodi Picault's Frankenstein, and Funny Words For Teens. The Book Barn, next to Still Open in Centerville. The Great Gatsby was not so great, never threw a party worth mentioning the next day, and the only Daisy he ever knew was the one growing in his front yard. The new 3D version of the American classic comes out this weekend and Fritz Fitzgerald, the chronically unemployed younger brother of F. Scott Fitzgerald, has a new memoir coming out from Anderson House Books just in time to cash in on the Great Gravy Train of Gatsbymania and the 50th anniversary of the death of Fitzgerald's unheralded brother with the writing talent of a 6th grade girl. The book highlights the same summer that is featured in the novel and film, only with a decidedly different set of eyes. The eyes of the man in this photo claim Gatsby was: "mind-numbingly dull to be around for even 5 minutes, killed more conversations than a discussion about work, hung around with washed out blondes, (like the shag wearing tramp in the same picture), and attracted the kind of losers who think telling you that you have something on your shirt only to flick you in the face when you look down is the definition of hilarity." Fritz also claims Gatsby made you bring your own booze or served generic bar brands, had parties attended mostly by people with nothing on their social agendas but taking tickets to guess the weight of the yack or some other sideshow freak, and only knew a Daisy in his front yard, which he rarely left due to an irrational fear that he would be electrocuted if he set foot outside of his yard. Fritz recounts few stories involving Mr. G and spends considerable time making fun of his celebrated brother F. Scott and his pansy novels. Sounds like great summer reading for the beach or the sinkhole. |
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