 Dear Zombie,
You speak really well. Not at all what I'd expect from a zombie. What's up with that? - CONFUSED AND SURPRISED Dear Confused, I can understand your surprise, especially if you've only seen zombies in the movies or on TV. I was bitten on the leg at a college graduation ceremony and then just "went zombie" so I'm still pretty intact. The zombies that can only grunt are usually undead that have been buried for quite a while and consequently don't have much of a brain or larynx left in working order. Rwarrrghgh. Yes, I do growl a bit, but that's due some finger meat stuck in my throat. I'll never eat a hand without removing the rings first again. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Dear Zombie, Settle a bet for me. My friend says all zombies do is eat, eat, eat. They grab somebody, tear 'em up, eat 'em until they come back as a zombie and then move to the next one. I say you've got to get full sometime, right? Who owes who the steak dinner? - MEDIUM RARE LOVER Dear Medium Rare, Your friend has been taken in by another Hollywood myth. While we do think of the land of the living as an open smorgasbord, we follow a little known rule: take all you want, but eat all you take. We get very full, but watching zombies play checkers or read a book doesn't make for very compelling story-telling. Two bits of advice, don't believe everything you see in the movies or on TV, and get that mouth ready for some free steak, hopefully from an all-you-can-eat restaurant. Rawawrghghph. (Ed. note: If you'd like to talk with a zombie, address your questions to "Dear Zombie" through the Duck Logic Comedy contact page.)  The town of Villageburg, Illinois had a bit of a surprise for their annual Memorial Day Parade. The participants were more than chagrined when the traveling festivities were rerouted by construction on downtown Main Street and forced to go two blocks out of their way to First Street or Second Street. Actually, to be perfectly blunt, they all look the same to this reporter.
The good news is that the parade did make it to the Villageberg cemetery in time for Tom Peters, of the Veterans of Future Wars and The Jaycee Memorial Day Events, to say a few kind words that most people could not hear because of the horrid sound system and the continuing need of those old guys with even older rifles to shoot round after round of blanks into the air, thus further damaging their already fragile ability to hear anything at all.  I'm the little angry guy who fights the fights you can't fight because you don't know how to fight the people in power. A letter came across my desk the other day from one of you little guys who had to fight city hall and our mighty mayor.
This letter described the way the city had given this fellow the runaround. I don't need to tell you that it involved parking tickets, licensing fees, patronage jobs, school closings, private contracts, park district shenanigans, and a whole laundry list of problems that I can't go into right now without getting even angrier than the photo that accompanies this column. I decided to do something about this letter and I immediately made a call to city hall. I let it ring three times before leaving a message with a number where they could reach me between the hours of 9 am and 1 pm on Mondays and every other Thursday. Needless to say, I didn't hear anything from city hall. Not even Mayor Moves His Mouth had any comment. I decided to send a letter through a bike courier with a title on top that spoke volumes: Open at your convenience! I think they knew this wasn't going to end in their favor or any time soon, so one of the city hall rats sent a letter through the US Postal service that was marked with the cryptic message " Undeliverable due to insufficient funds". I guess they had read my column on the waterfront project and the Mayoral Campaign For Insufficient Funds, because the only time somebody from city hall sends a response by US mail is when they know it needs to be there within a week or ten days and they can't get one of the stool pigeons at the other paper to write some PR column. I know how to fight city hall and I will do it for you if I have the time and there's nothing more important on the agenda, like fighting big business, tall orders, large conspiracies and overgrown government. Remember, I am always here for you, the little guy, and I'm angry on top of it. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it unless you are trying to quit. Oh, by the way, you know what happened to that letter about city hall? It ended with a nice form letter from the hooligans at city hall that actually had the signature of the mayor on the bottom. That's called getting results. For now. OLINOY DRIVE-IN OPENS THIS WEEKEND! NOW FEATURING PARKING PLACES, SPEAKER SYSTEM AND movies!5/22/2013   Dear Zombie,
My parents say my zombie boyfriend doesn't really care about me and I shouldn't see him anymore. They think he's only after my fat thighs and brain. What should I do? – CHUBBY WITH A GOOD HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS Dear Chubby, Let your parents spend an evening alone with your boyfriend to get to know him better. They'll either change their minds… or lose 'em! Rarrrgh. But no matter which, your relationship will be good to go. And if he is after your fat thighs, then let him at 'em. You'll never find a quicker weight loss program. Bwaarghghgh. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Dear Zombie, I found a baby zombie behind the local grocery store and my parents won't let me keep him. They say I still haven't learned responsibility. They complain about walking the dog and feeding the fish, and they don't wanna have to take care of a zombie child too, but he's sooooo cute. What now? – DESPERATE FOR A NEW PET Dear Desperate, Rarrwwgh. Father's Day is coming up… I think you found the perfect gift.. (Ed. note: Do you need to Talk With A Zombie? Address your questions to "Dear Zombie" through the Duck Logic Comedy contact page! )  If the raised fist in today's column looks familiar, it may be due to the fact it has been a part of some of the most important moments in world history.
Does anybody remember the Bolshevik Revolution? That one fist rising above the crowd? Yep,that's our photogenic friend in all his youthful glory. How about that fist that wanted an end to the war in Vietnam? Pretty sure that was the work of this fist. Anyone familiar with something called the fall of Communism and the Berlin Wall, the million man march, the Pullman Strike, the overthrow of any and all dictatorships in the last 50 years? Who do you think was there to observe these historically life changing events? Uh, somebody named Mr. Raised Fist, thank you very much! Oh, sure, some have tried to smear his name and reputation by saying they are pretty sure they have only seen him at meaningless sporting events and at Nickelback concerts when phones and lighters are in short supply, but we beg to differ. You see we stand by our belief that this raised fist is not just a hand model seeking employment as a hand puppeteer or a hand actor, we know that this is the fist that, clenched together, represents all of us and none of us, heading towards the heavens in an attempt to end every bad thing that ever happened or is about to happen to mankind. So, raise your fist to This Raised Fist, because, without it, we would merely be hands wildly grasping for the sky, lost in our daily struggles to be noticed. Yes, dare I say it, a raised hand never to be called on again. |
Subscribe –
|
RSS Feed