Whether it's a conspiracy theory about the Vatican, a joke you heard around the water cooler that you just can't wait to share with the folks on line, or you simply want to know how Duck Logic can help fill your comedy needs or entertain your office at the spring fling picnic, call Jan at the Duck Logic Information Desk. The number is prominently featured on most men's room stalls. Duck Logic, we aim to please if you give us a target.
from a mother's perspective
Jean, here, to keep you up to date on what the world looks like from a mother's perspective. I know it's been awhile since I last wrote an original column for this space and I appreciate Sandy Sanders ably filling in with Sandy's Sentiments. It's nice to know that I can take some me time to visit my other son and not have to worry about this column.
I should let you know that my other son, Greg, is going to be promoted to Vice President at his company and that his wonderful wife, Alexis, is expecting their third child any day now. It's amazing what a real family looks like when you only visit them once a year. I sure do love their children. Caden is 5 and entering some sort of Christian Kindergarten that teaches the alphabet, if the letters were signals of the coming apocalypse. It also has a wonderful character building unit where the children learn how to survive the end times on a bag of granola and the kindness of strangers. Catie is 7 and completing the second grade, where she is learning how to live in a pioneer cabin and make sense of a world that scorns the family values of a society that still uses the term child bride a little to frequently for my taste. To each their own, right?
I just found it so refreshing to live for a week without the constant interruptions of electricity, running water, and up to the minute information. I know my other son would say I'm playing favorites, but, then again, he's the one who chose to marry the stripper and send his kids to the infernal hell that is public education, but that's for another column. We're always about putting a smile on your face and a mother's perspective in your hearts. Don't forget the Ladies Auxillary has the annual fundraiser coming up. It's Sonsense, a very funny play about being a son in this topsy turvy world. Until next time, love with an open heart, live with an open mind, and talk with an open mouth.
Jeff the Caffeinated Squirrel, is leaving behind the stable life of Hills Brothers Community College so that he can explore the endless possibilities of mascottery at Stanford University. Jeff, also known as Chip Allen from Tanner, Vermont, is the recipient of a research grant from a well known think tank that chooses to remain silent on this matter for some unknown reason.
The grant will allow Jeff to pursue a lifelong dream of finding the genetic code that makes some mascots and others water boys or that guy who appears next to the mascot at public appearances and jaycee events. If successful, these findings could revolutionize the world of mascotting or force alot of dateless graduate students to permanently move back with their unpleasantly surprised parents.
What started, back in 1993, as a way to show young girls that, like men, they too can struggle to find personal fulfillment through mindless busy work that ultimately only makes the CEO richer, Take Your Daughter to Work Day became a day of free babysitting for kids of either gender.
But the true meaning of Take Your Kids to Work Day seems to have gotten lost over the last two decades— that fantasies are for kids...
Cowboys make crap money, little Jimmy. Ninjas have lousy 401Ks. Good luck with your Princess dream, little Susie; Camilla’s got that gig sewn up. Get real. Get serious. What’re you, ten? Chase that dream ‘til you’re blue in the face, kiddies... but do it on your own time!
Sitting in the corner of mommy or daddy’s cube, you’ll see for yourself why they like cocktails so much. Watching them return countless emails, suck up to the boss, or try and stay awake in endless meetings, Give Your Kids a Good Cold Slap Day is a priceless experience that offers children a peek 50, 60 years into their future. That is, if they aren’t laid off when they turn 40.
So pay attention little ones, Take Your Kids to Work Day is just the first day of the rest of your so-called life.
According to a guy we know who knows a guy who knows about these type of things, the late 90's children's show Blue's Clues was nothing more than a front for one of the most successful meth super labs known to international drug enforcement agencies.
One look at the title character tells you something is not right with this picture or this show. The blue dog, or in drug lingo, the legal method of laundering money, was seen for years as a happy, loveable friend to many boys and girls who were regular viewers of this insipid public TV program that passed for educational entertainment for way too many years. Little did they know that authorities followed their own Blue's Clues in the form of blue stuffed animals loaded with blue magic, thus ending a reign of cartel violence only seen in the movie Scarface or the last season of Breaking Bad . We will break into this blog whenever we have an update on this sad chapter in the history of the the Children's Television Workshop and the dark underworld of the DEA and the Friends of PBS. Next week: Bananas in Pajamas and Fidel Castro: Dumb Kids Concept or Communist Threat.
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"Boat shoes" or "topsiders" have been around since 1935 and have remained a perennially popular footwear choice, but never have they seen the kind of excitement that's been surrounding new "Water Skates®" boat shoes, by Water Way.
Because when you lace on a pair of these shoes with special attachments, like ice skates or rollerblades, you can literally walk on water… or more accurately, run on water.
One avid Water Skates® enthusiast was quoted as saying, "You've really got to keep moving. You spend a lot of time wet at first, but once you get the hang of it it's a great little fun workout."
These aren't your parents boat shoes, they're yours, so get some now and start moving across lakes, ponds, lagoons, reservoirs, wetland inlets, large puddles and backyard swimming pools at speeds up to 15 mph!
Water Skates® are Water Way's new boat shoes and they're exactly what the name implies.
Available today at Kenny's Shoes on the west end of that really big shoe outlet mall just outside Olinoy, Illinois on Rt. 36. The one with the giant, two-story tall shoe on top. You can buy shoes almost anywhere there, why not Kenny's?
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A MESSAGE FROM PLANET EARTH
Earth to You Guys: I wanted to get a few things off my crust.
I know you are planning on celebrating Earth Day today by having some kid plant an almost dead tree next to a sad tetherball pole or recycling the same promises you made to me last year, like I was a voter in a presidential election year. I just wanted to tell you that Earth is no longer the final frontier and not the least bit interested in sharing the bill with wind and fire. Do we understand each other?
First of all, stop using the term green revolution, when your idea of a green revolution is putting lettuce on your supersized Big Mac. You people wouldn't know a revolution if it was coming up the street on a float made out of reuseable energies and Inconvenient Truths and Slight Embellishments. Your idea of an energy policy is one run by Frick and Frack the oil equivalent of the Koch brothers, and, guess what, things don't go better with Koch.
In closing, please pick up your crap on the side of the road if you don't want the rest of the universe looking at us like we're characters in a Miranda Lambert song. Pollution, like smoking, does not make you look cool. I am also not thrilled about your toxic wastes and nuclear threats and I am not talking about the synopsis to another MTV reality show. So this Earth Day do something that matters to me like leaving me alone with my thoughts and my resources. That way I get a day of peace and you don't have to feel obligated to do anything more than drive your SUV to the local gas station to fill up on inferior fossil fuels and news from the Sell Oil Gas TV station.
what're you lookin' at?
From The Desk of Walter's Brain:
There were over 311 million people in the United States in 2011 and AC Nielson says 290 million of them are television viewers. Not so surprising, 290 million. Not as surprising as the other number— the 311 minus 290 number. Because if 290 million butts are in 290 million La-Z-Boys at any given time, where are the other 21 million butts?
I always figured there must be SOME strange people out there who didn’t watch TV, some weird lone wolves trying to buck the system, but 21 million? That’s a lot of unsedentary asses. What’re these people staring at instead of Survivor? What other diversion have they come up with to tick away the irretrievable minutes on their life clocks? How do they keep busy while eating dinner?
These folks can’t all be mountain men, living by their wits, unplugged, in the wilderness. Even hermits can get Dish TV nowadays. Are they street people? Heroin addicts? Smug college professors?
I feel sorry for them, these poor losers; they’ve missed so much already. I’m sure none of them can quote Seinfeld catch phrases. Or sing the Empire carpet jingle. I bet they’ve never Danced with the Stars. And odds are, they’ve never seen one, single Girl going Wild.
It’s their own fault, you know. TVs are everywhere. If these oddballs aren’t watching one, they’ve only themselves to blame. I suppose they’re too busy watching sunsets and surfing the actual ocean. Or talking to each other. Maybe they’re doing something really scary: like reading.
This koala bear is actually a small human in a costume who has been living off of the sympathy and financial purse strings of an emotionally limited public for the last 30 years.
Pat Tanner said he"just knew people would love to see an Australian animal that looked like an amalgamation of 6 different species, each more odd looking than the other." Tanner, who is a successful Linda Hunt stand in for his day job, was tired of living a lie and wearing a suit that chafed. Small children will remember Tanner for his uncanny ability to climb eucalyptus trees and double as a marsupial and a life like version of a too cute for words bear.