There were over 311 million people in the United States in 2011 and AC Nielson says 290 million of them are television viewers. Not so surprising, 290 million. Not as surprising as the other number— the 311 minus 290 number. Because if 290 million butts are in 290 million La-Z-Boys at any given time, where are the other 21 million butts?
I always figured there must be SOME strange people out there who didn’t watch TV, some weird lone wolves trying to buck the system, but 21 million? That’s a lot of unsedentary asses. What’re these people staring at instead of Survivor? What other diversion have they come up with to tick away the irretrievable minutes on their life clocks? How do they keep busy while eating dinner?
These folks can’t all be mountain men, living by their wits, unplugged, in the wilderness. Even hermits can get Dish TV nowadays. Are they street people? Heroin addicts? Smug college professors?
I feel sorry for them, these poor losers; they’ve missed so much already. I’m sure none of them can quote Seinfeld catch phrases. Or sing the Empire carpet jingle. I bet they’ve never Danced with the Stars. And odds are, they’ve never seen one, single Girl going Wild.
It’s their own fault, you know. TVs are everywhere. If these oddballs aren’t watching one, they’ve only themselves to blame. I suppose they’re too busy watching sunsets and surfing the actual ocean. Or talking to each other. Maybe they’re doing something really scary: like reading.