MOTHER NATURE PRESENTS: BEAUTIFUL IMAGES YOU'LL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD IF YOU LIVE TO BE 1004/12/2013
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KEIRA KNIGHTLEY RENTING AD SPACE ON FOREHEAD, MUST BE ABLE TO WORK AROUND BARELY VISIBLE TATTOO4/12/2013   New Smecker's Circus Peanut Butter.
That famously fluorescent orange, peanut shaped confection is now available in a convenient spread! Use it just like peanut butter in cookies, cakes, Asian dishes and, of course, peanut butter sandwiches. No need for jelly, this stuff is saaa-weet! And if you've got peanut allergies… rejoice! This jar doesn't see anything like a real peanut anywhere in the manufacturing process. Circus Peanut Butter is a whipped blend of high fructose corn syrup, gelatin, sugar, food dyes and artificial flavorings, all working together to give you that special chemical "banana" taste you've come to know and love. Mmmm, Mmmmm. New Smecker's Circus Peanut Butter, kids love the taste, adults love the nostalgia and we love the profit margin. With a name like Smecker's, it has to be food.  Duck Logic Comedy is moving across the street to our new home at the Old Country Store Building off Route 146 in Greentown, 20 miles outside Olinoy, IL.
We have ten extra square feet for storage of our warehouse products that never took off like we thought they would. Bible Belts made out of real bibles seemed to offend our fans in Kentucky and Missouri. Mr. Invisible Weight Loss Supplements (consisting of a plastic jar filled with outdated tic-tacs) had questionable side effects, and, of course, the all new and improved Paper Bag, which is what it sounds like. So we're trying to fix what is supposedly broken by moving into this swanky and swaggy joint. See you at the new digs. Grand opening in one week complete with camouflage face painting for the kids, Jeff The Wandering Unemployed Clown, and a tour of the CEO's bomb shelter.  Bill Freemantle, 14, is the proud winner of the poetry contest at Parker Valley Junior High School in Olinoy, Illinois, where he's graduating this year.
His poem titled 'the areola," (yes that's right, no caps) won out over 35 other contestants. He said his inspiration came when his parents went away for the weekend and he found a stockpile of vintage Playboys his father had hidden in the garage. When asked if this was appropriate subject matter for a Jr High contest winner his teacher said, "Everything else that was submitted was littered with spelling mistakes and texting lingo. We were pleased this was at least focused on a single subject and, bonus… it rhymed!" Bill says he's happy that he learned the word "bola" in his Spanish class just in time for the poem, but he's even happier that he's finally not being beaten up after school by the jocks for his poetry, who have taken a real liking to this piece. Bill's on a roll now and hopes to publish his next poem in the school paper, entitled "the nipple." Here's Bill's winning submission: "the areola" areola, areola some are dark as Coca-Cola some are lovely shades of pink and firm as ripened minneolas areola, areola near the tip, like Pensacola some are big as dinner plates others small like most men’s bolas areola, areola better loved than big payola some will puff up nice and hard when rubbed just right with corn Mazola areola, areola draw one now with my Crayola take a hi-def video and watch it on my Motorola  This scientist isn't just any scientist. He's the wave of future scientists for he looks at things quite differently than you and I.
He may look at that newfangled device you're holding in your hand and be able to tell you if it is part of the world of science or, in fact, a threat to the general population according to Captain Scary Voice and all the other wonderful people who reside inside the mind of this scientist. This scientist probably graduated from a college or a university that has the most updated laboratory equipment and technological advances. Was that a television console I spotted in his office? This scientist can look at anything and see it differently due to the fascinating and sometimes confounding world that we live in today. A world created by science.  From The Desk Of Walter's Brain:
I was treated again to an unedited view of the inside of a stranger’s mouth today. Fillings, bridgework, Juicy Fruit, the whole show. A lady, and I’m stretching the term here, on the train let loose with an all-out, open-mouthed, hippo yawn. It was like Animal Planet a foot and a half away. People do these now, the wide-open cavern yawn. On the street, busses, stores, wherever. Extending their jaws like snakes swallowing a pig. Maybe they don’t remember where they are, unaware they’re outside. Or they don’t see thirty other people around. Could be they don’t realize they’re yawning. Maybe they’re just really proud of their dental work. I think about these yawning hippos as I dodge the globs of spit, hocked up loogies spattered freely across the city’s sidewalks interspersed with cigarette butts, burning and not burning, and samples of crap products nobody seems to want even for free. Ah, but then I think, you know, that open-mouthed yawn could’ve been an uncovered sneeze. |
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