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DID YOU KNOW WITH DR. JOE

6/9/2013

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Dr. Joe McCratty here, with another edition of Did You Know With Dr. Joe?  Today we answer the question Did You Know That Things Are Not What They Appear To Be?

The Museum of Collected Items has a new exhibit on the phenomena that makes people see things as they appear, when in actuality they are not anything like that at all.   You see the human eye is a deceptive little bugger that makes us think we are looking at an item, when we very well may be looking at an entire collection of items or, even in rare cases, things.   You may look at your children as special, when in reality, they are not that different from the whole of humanity, and in fact may be viewed by others as merely ordinary or, dare I say, run of the mill.  Don't be disappointed, blame it on our untrustworthy friend the human eye and it's stubborn tendency to make us see one thing and think another.  Just like a close up magician or that confounded test my eye doctor gives me that is supposed to be able to tell us whether one letter is clearer than another.   Now, do you see how things are not what they appear to be, but what they actually are in reality?  Good, then I've done my job. Can we move on?

Please drop by the Museum of Collected Items and enjoy our summer family fun section dedicated to Summer Things To Do To Kill Time.   All families with items they no longer need or want and no idea where to put them, are half off for the weekend.   

This has been Did You Know With Dr. Joe, a public service of the Museum of Collected Items  Where A Collection is Always One Item Away From An Exhibit.

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from sports reports of sorts: STANLEY CUP PREDICTIONS

6/7/2013

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FROM SPORTS REPORTS OF SORTS: Our NHL experts have made some predictions about this year's Stanley Cup winners and they may take some hockey fans by surprise.

Duff Duncan,  Keith Canuck, and Terry Terrington predict the cup will:

-Be won by a team that has at least 12 players with heavy Canadian accents,

-Stop by an all night bar frequented by lowlifes and their shady family members about ten minutes after the championship game ends,

-Have at least one misspelling of a player's name.   It won't be the fault of the NHL.  It will be the fault of the player with the misspelled name and Molson beer.

-Somebody will pee in the cup.  Yep, it will be the same player who misspelled his name on the side of the trophy.

-One of the winning team members will hoist the cup over his head and try to smile before he quickly realizes all of his teeth fell out of his mouth and into said cup.

-The winning team will say that Lord Stanley would have enjoyed seeing hockey's finest spit tobacco juice into the cup.   There is no way of disproving that since Lord Stanley is not around to dispute this fact.

-And, finally, The Stanley Cup will have to spend the better part of the year being cleaned and martinized by a guy named Choog, who is not that Choog, but is told he looks alot like that Choog.

Until next time, we are here at this desk, with this stack of sports news, ready to bring you all the sports reports of sorts that you have sort of thought about this week.

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This Post Brought To You By...

6/5/2013

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Meet The Beatles... Jr.?

6/5/2013

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Zak Starkey, Dhani Harrison, Sean Lennon, and Sir Paul McCartney have united for a summer tour and possibly an album in the fall as The Beatles, Jr.! (Julian Lennon may sit in on some of the dates as well!)

"We asked Sir Paul's son James McCartney to join, but he just released his first solo album and he's already on tour and wasn't available, so we thought what the hell, let's see if Sir Paul will do it and, surprise, he was up for it," said Dhani, "but he only plays bass, we don't let him handle any vocals. James could still link up with us after his tour, we're keeping our fingers crossed."

Zak chimed in with "We were going to go with Sons Of The Beatles or maybe Beatlesons, but when Sir Paul joined, and yes, he makes us call him that,  it didn't feel like a good fit anymore. I suggested The Beatles: The Next Generation, but nobody liked the mix of cultural references, so The Beatles, Jr. it is."

The set list is going to be a mix of old Beatles songs and new things they've written together, as well as a short set aimed at the people who will inevitably call this a cash grab. "We're planning on doing our version of the Rutlles "All You Need Is Cash," Spinal Tap's "(Gimme Some) Money," and a song my dad loved to cover with the original Beatles  "Money (That's What I Want)," said Sean, "hopefully fans will get the irony and if not then at least buy tickets to the shows."

Ringo couldn't be reached for comment as he was busy with his next All-Starr show, but he likely would have said something upbeat, humorous and supportive. 

They start out at The Hollywood Bowl on July, 1st and move across the US before setting their sites on Europe and beyond. Good luck to 'em I say, any Beatles is good Beatles, but only time will tell if this really will be the New Fab Four or merely just The Dung Beetles.


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Talk With A Zombie

6/2/2013

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Dear Zombie,
You told some people last time to not believe what we see about zombies on TV and in movies. So my questions is this: Like the zombie entertainment available, do you all only eat raw people or do you cook up… like… recipes? Surely some long deceased chefs have become zombies and are experimenting. – CULINARILY CURIOUS


Dear Curious,
Raarrgh. Ever go to a park and notice that the public grill hasn't been cleaned off properly? That's usually evidence of a zombie picnic. BBQ sauce is good on anything, and you'd be surprised how easy it is to get the grocery guy to let you have it free if you just leave the store. I've read somewhere that eating meat "tartar" is actually supposed to be healthy for you, but since we're already dead we don't really put a lot of thought into our health.
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Dear Zombie,
Is there such a thing as a vegetarian zombie? I noticed in our garden that the green peppers were bitten into and the insides were missing and I wondered if zombies got to 'em. There weren't any footprints or anything around but it sure looked like teeth marks on the peppers to me. – YOUNG SUBURBAN FARMER

Dear Farmer,
If zombies were in your garden you'd know. We're not the most careful of visitors, there's always something left behind or out of place. I've never met a zombie that wasn't a carnivore no matter what they were when they were alive.  Sorry all you veggie heads and vegans, but you'll get the craving and be chanting "braaaaaains" along with the rest of us. Arrrrghugh.

(Ed. note: If you'd like to talk with a zombie, address your questions to "Dear Zombie" through the Duck Logic Comedy contact page.)


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From a mother's point of view

6/1/2013

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Jean, here, with another chance to see the world from a mother's point of view.   I guess I should tell you that the reason I have been running old columns for the last month is because my daughter in law decided to enforce something called a cease and desist law when it comes to anything written about her in a public forum.   Once a stripper, always a stripper, I say.  You can take the stripper out of the dysfunctional home life, but you can't take the dysfunctional home life out of the stripper.  But more on that later, ladies.

I have really enjoyed my time off.  I have been gardening and I have to tell you that it is just so much fun planting my prize winning roses, feeling the power of mother earth in my dainty hands, and eavesdropping on my hillbilly neighbors and their comical attempts at domestic bliss.  If I have to call 911 again, I'm going to be on a first name basis or buy a frequent caller plan.     I have also had time to get down to the Book Barn and pick up some wonderful new books including When Mom Is Right, God Loves Everyone Except You Know Who?, and my current page turner, The Stripper Wife Code which is about the dark and very pregnant underbelly of stripper wives and the men who marry them.   I bought an extra copy for my son.   I haven't received a thank you card for my efforts. Some people don't know how to navigate the world of family etiquette.  Oh, well, tomorrow is another day and another mail delivery.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yes, my daughter-in-law is apparently fit to be tied about the fact my columns often mention what she used to do and, to the best of my knowledge, still does for a handful of indistinguishable crumpled dollar bills at bachelor parties and establishments with expiring liquor licenses on the edge of town.   Listen, I can't change history or the facts.  The truth has a funny way of coming back to bite us in the posterior, something I'm sure my daughter in law features in her stage show.   I should wrap this up.   Again, I am so glad to be back writing about the world from a mother's point of view and I look forward to hearing from you all as well as the lawyers currently employed by my thin skinned, pole dancing daughter-in-law.  Isn't life wonderful?

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