I have really enjoyed my time off. I have been gardening and I have to tell you that it is just so much fun planting my prize winning roses, feeling the power of mother earth in my dainty hands, and eavesdropping on my hillbilly neighbors and their comical attempts at domestic bliss. If I have to call 911 again, I'm going to be on a first name basis or buy a frequent caller plan. I have also had time to get down to the Book Barn and pick up some wonderful new books including When Mom Is Right, God Loves Everyone Except You Know Who?, and my current page turner, The Stripper Wife Code which is about the dark and very pregnant underbelly of stripper wives and the men who marry them. I bought an extra copy for my son. I haven't received a thank you card for my efforts. Some people don't know how to navigate the world of family etiquette. Oh, well, tomorrow is another day and another mail delivery.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, my daughter-in-law is apparently fit to be tied about the fact my columns often mention what she used to do and, to the best of my knowledge, still does for a handful of indistinguishable crumpled dollar bills at bachelor parties and establishments with expiring liquor licenses on the edge of town. Listen, I can't change history or the facts. The truth has a funny way of coming back to bite us in the posterior, something I'm sure my daughter in law features in her stage show. I should wrap this up. Again, I am so glad to be back writing about the world from a mother's point of view and I look forward to hearing from you all as well as the lawyers currently employed by my thin skinned, pole dancing daughter-in-law. Isn't life wonderful?