I'm the new advice columnist. Unlike the zombie who once held this job, I thought it'd be nice for you to get to know me a little before your'e expected to pony up with your life's most personal questions.
So I'm starting out my column with this post instead of answering the left-over "Talk WIth A Zombie" questions that litter my cubicle, in an effort to put my furriest foot forward.
As you may have guessed by my picture I'm a sasquatch. Yes, a real sasquatch.
Maybe my face is familiar to you, I did a little modeling to get through college and landed a gig with the Curiosity Costume Company out in Oilnoy, Il. Their "Bigfoot Head" mask was molded from my actual face. It's still being sold today.
Most of us sasquatches usually prefer the term "sasquatch" to "bigfoot," as I'm sure you usually prefer the term "human" to "longnose" or "bigbutt," or "bareskin." On the other hand a lot of male sasquatches try to keep the term "bigfoot" alive because for some reason gals seem very interested to make your aquaintance when they know you've got big feet.
I got this job because the zombie that had it before me pretty much freaked everybody out around here, and I think they were looking for more of a family man to run the column this time. Someone whose warm smile didn't hide a desire to eat them when they found themselves alone with him in the copy room.
Apparently I fit that bill. I've got a wife, two kids, a dog, 3 cats, a turtle and uncounted number of raccoons living under the house, so I'm definitely family oriented. And I haven't eaten anybody in months. Just kidding, sasquatches aren't carnivores, and if we were, I don't think humans would be on the menu. You smell kinda funny.
I'll continue to open up about myself as the weeks go by, but hopefully that's enough to let you know I'm sincere and ready to tell you all whatever it is you're wondering about. I'll be answering any questions you may have about life, love and, of course, sasquacthes here on Ask A Sasquatch. If you have anything you have to get off your chest to a sasquatch, I'm your ape-man.
Just go to the DL contact page and address your question or comment to "Dear Sasquatch."