​        Quick, think of six strangers you encountered recently… That guy in pajama pants sniffing lunchmeat at the grocery store. The woman who flipped you off at a stoplight. The creepy subway man-spreader. The open-mouthed yawner. Whoever. You’ve got thousands to choose from, from all walks of life.

        Now, imagine gathering those six strangers into a room around the same table and asking for their opinion on something, anything. The situation in Ukraine. The shirt you’re wearing. Their favorite shampoo. The weather. And imagine coming out of the room with any sort of coherent, intelligent, useable answer.

        Welcome to The Focus Group. 

        Just your “Average Joes.” And the average American Joe is pretty average--- the U.S. ranks 29th in the world when it comes to IQ. Behind the UK, Cambodia, and Belarus to name a few.

Follow the leaders
        Audience testing is, sadly, nothing new. But it’s slowly crept into more corners of our lives. More and more, the world we live in is molded by focus groups. Random sets of people in bright, sterile rooms inventing opinions on things that, up until that moment, they didn’t give a rat’s ass about.

        Billion-dollar corporations, movie studios, politicians (especially politicians) use focus groups to determine what you watch, read, believe, or vote for. James Patterson changes endings to his books according to test reader feedback. Garth Drabinsky, a Broadway producer, rewrote his musical Ragtime 20 times on the advise of a research company. Frank Lutz, the political “consultant” uses focus groups to shape public opinion--- renaming hot button terms into benign buzzwords.

Art for the Masses
        Two Russian artists--- Vitly Komar and Alexander Melamid ---with the help of a research company, polled a thousand Americans a few years back. Forty-three questions to discover just the right elements for the perfect painting. The results?

        The optimal size: 2’ x 3’. Favorite color: blue. Second favorite color: blue. Average Joe liked festive outdoor scenes with realistic wildlife and a few people. No abstracts. No nudity! Using these guidelines, Komar and Melamid painted a masterpiece by consensus: George Washington by a riverbank at the edge of a forest with deer and tourists.

        Is it any surprise that vanilla was once again voted America’s favorite ice cream flavor?

What’s new?
        “New ideas, anything unique and different, don’t test well,” a focus group moderator told me once. She was okay with this.

        Slate.com recently explained that “studies confirm what many creative people have suspected all along: people are biased against creative thinking, despite all of their insistence otherwise.” Humans, by nature, are risk adverse. Accepting new, creative ideas is a risky proposition. So, while people say they welcome new thinking, they are quick to fall back on the same ol’, same ol’. 

        This goes beyond movies and sitcoms. Technological innovation suffers from the same prejudice. When the telephone was in its early stages, experts felt it was “hardly more than a toy.” The television was believed to be commercially unfeasible. When the personal computer came out, reviewers wondered why anyone would ever want one. It took over ten years for the now-ubiquitous mouse to catch on.

Creative holding pattern
        Our so-called leaders, in industry, politics, marketing, and entertainment have lost their ability to lead. They’ve handed that role over to the focus group. And soon Artificial Intelligence. That’s why the iPhone 15 looks pretty much like the iPhone 14. And every action movie ends in a fistfight.

        Soon, real soon, we won’t need the guy in the pajama pants. We’ll let A.I. decide for us. Homogenizing everything into a big, vanilla mass.

        Hm, do you think anyone will notice?

        Every year, the fourth Thursday in April is designated as “Bring Your Kids to Work Day.” It falls on the 27th this year and it’s the 30th anniversary! I would assume this is more a white-collar thing—for the parents schlepping to the office and not working from home.
 
        (And I don’t imagine a lot of kids sittin’ in for the day on daddy’s skip loader.)
 
        When it started back in 1993, it was called “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” as a way to show young girls that, like men, they too can struggle to find personal fulfillment through mindless busy work that ultimately only makes the CEO richer.
 
      “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” soon became a day of free babysitting for kids of either gender.
 
        But the true meaning of “Take Your Kids to Work Day” seems to have gotten lost over the last three decades— and that’s: fantasies… are for kids...
 
        Cowboys make crap money, little Jason. Ninjas have lousy 401Ks. Good luck with that Princess dream, little Britany; Meghan Markle’s got that gig sewn up. Get real. Get serious. What’re you, ten? Chase those dreams ‘til you’re blue in the face, kiddies... but do it on your own time!
 
        Sitting in the corner of mommy or daddy’s cubicle, you’ll see why they like cocktails so much. Watching them return countless emails, suck up to the boss, or try and stay awake in endless meetings, makes Give Your Kids a Good Cold Slap in the Face Day a priceless experience that gives children a peek 50, 60 years into their future. That is, if they aren’t laid off after they turn 40 because their health insurance costs the company too much.
 
        So, pay attention little ones, Take Your Kids to Work Day is just the first day of the rest of your so-called life.

We were skeptical when the Just Born candy company approached us about a "cross-over", we just didn't see how our duck "printed" onto a peep could ever look right. But when they showed us the little licorice sunglasses with eyebrows that you could add to their peeps... we were hooked! Who doesn't like a little sugar with their sugar?

Plus they found a way to program the machinery to add a beak and a little head curl to the standard peep extrusion process. Then the beaks are dipped in yellow tinted white chocolate. Which is a little sugar with your sugar... with your sugar. Sa-weeeet!

Get out and get Duck Logic Peeps while you can, they are a very limited release.

Our heroes are people who buck the system.

Guys (and gals, sometimes) who defy their commanding officer; who refuse to go by the book.

The kind of macho dude who's not afraid to jump between buildings in a flaming Trans Am while blasting an Uzi backwards out the window.

Men (and women, sometimes) who can't wait to get blown to safety by the wake of an ever-expanding corridor of fire.

People who don't hesitate to outrun ancient ruins, moments away from disaster, as it collapses around them. They don't take any crap; they live life their own way. These are the people who influence our life; these are our heroes.
 
In other words--- fictional people.

          ​Some guys feel the need to talk to you when you’re in the restroom. No idea why. These guys somehow don’t realize what goes on in this room, the reason you’re both there. They don’t see the imaginary line, the one at the men’s room door where the talking stops. It’s an extension of the hallway to these guys or another gathering place like the break room. Standing there, in the can, trying to get things done and this chatterbox wants a conversation.

          Sometimes it’s at a bar with a complete stranger: “Yeah, boy, how ‘bout those Cubs?” Tryin’ to make an awkward situation friendlier, maybe, with some stilted chitchat. I don’t think that’s what’s meant by public washroom. This must be what it’s like in prison or in the hyena cage at the zoo, socializing while taking care of business.

          Mostly it’s guys at work. “So,” the guy starts, the guy who sits down the hall from you by the printer but now he’s up close at the next urinal, grinning. “How do you think the presentation went?”

          Of course, he expects an answer. Long pause, keep it short. “You never know” usually works.

          Ancient Romans used to poop together. Outside, in giant Poop-a-toriums, I guess they called them. Row after row of stone benches with holes cut in them for their butts. Row after row of Roman butts lined up like at a ballgame, only with grunting. When in Rome, as the saying goes, poo as the Romans poo. This was the height of civilization at the time for these guys. Their empire crumbled soon after.

          So thousands of years later, back in the john, the commode commentator’s still yakking, over his shoulder, “that’d be some big account, if we got it, huh?” Yeah, right, great. Gotta go! Gotta leave this small, smelly room. Talk to you next time you get the urge.
​
          Et tu, bathroom buddy.

​          When you’re born, you’re like a brand new car, pretty much, rolling off the assembly line. Okay, so the assembly line is your mother and you don’t roll off so much as you’re extruded, but you get the idea. And sure, you’re covered in gunk and nasty bodily fluids.

          But the nurse takes you in back, like any good car dealership, puts you through a wash, and you’re good as new. Literally.
 
          You know that new car smell everyone loves so much? You have that when you’re a baby, too--- that new human smell. All the bells and whistles work when you’re a baby, all your features, for the most part, are at their factory settings: the alarm and the heated seats. Your upholstery is so soft. 
 
          A newborn’s odometer has, like what, two miles on it? People are always extra careful with a baby. They watch where they park it for the first three or four years because they’re worried about that first scratch.
 
          Those first ten years of your life you’re still trying to figure out where your controls are, what all the buttons do. “What happens if I pull this knob?” After 15 or 20 years you can still drive yourself pretty hard: cold tacos for breakfast after a night of tequila shots. You can handle any treacherous condition--- dirt roads, snowstorms, college.
 
          After 30, 35 years, you don’t realize it but your warranty’s run out. You didn’t get the extended warranty because extended warranties are for suckers! Then wouldn’t you know it, that’s when stuff starts falling apart. Your brakes aren’t what they use to be and your transmission starts to slip.
 
          By your mid to late 40s your chassis gets creaky. Rust starts to show, maybe you’ve got some body damage. You could really use someone to pound out those dents and give you a paint job. Even with regular maintenance, the tune-ups and the oil changes, you’re still piling on the mileage. You tear a rotator cuff, maybe, or your tires (along with other parts of you) go bald.
 
         This would be the point in the life of a car when you’re thinking: do I keep sinking money into the ol’ clunker? Or do I spring for a newer model? But people don’t get that choice. You’re kind of stuck with the ride you’ve got. And you’re dreamin’ if you think you’ll somehow become a “classic.” You’re no ’69 Camaro.

          “You’re built like a car. You’ve got a hubcap diamond star halo.”
                       ---Marc Bolan, T. Rex

          What's your odometer say these days? Are you duck-taping plastic wrap to your taillight when it cracks? Do you have to jiggle the key in the ignition to get started in the morning?
 
          Well, whatever your current Blue Book value, make sure you sign that donor card so they can gut you for parts before the scrapyard where they’ll crush you into one of those big cubes.