By Josh Newcombe
In what this reporter sees as an important historical event, Martin P. Hastings from South Olinoy, Illinois, finally made ends meet last week while drinking his morning cup of coffee.
He'd been trying to do it ever since he got out of college. Now, married with his own kids in college, he's finally pulled it off.
When asked what it felt like to make ends meet Marty said, "Not so good. Turns out they really don't get along very well and they've vowed never to meet again." And he added, "You'd think they were a divorced couple or something… the tension in the room was almost unbearable."
It's really a shame when something that seemed like it should be so significant turns out so sour. "Millions of people across the country have been trying to do this for most of their adult lives," Marty sighed and muttered, "now I guess they'll all have to set their sights on something else., like finding the end of the rainbow or something, I know I will."
Why Cloud Nine? by Nina Nueve
Why is Cloud Nine more famous than the previous eight? We all know to be "on cloud nine" means to be blissfully happy. A place to desire being. But why? Where did it come from?
Why not Cloud Seven? That at least rhymes with "heaven." Or Cloud Eleven, then you've got the rhyme and the pop culture reference. Go Spinal Tap.
A quick review of the internet yields contrary reports, yet everyone seems certain they have the true origin. One claims that the US Weather Bureau once described clouds with a numeric sequence, and Level Nine was the highest of the cumulonimbus, which sounds a little too obvious to me.
I also found claims that it has to do with a 1950's radio show called Johnny Dollar, in which each time Johnny got knocked unconscious he would travel to Cloud Nine. But that's hardly a description of a blissful situation now, is it?
In Dante's Paradise the Divine Presence dwells in the 10th heaven, making the 9th the heaven closest to the divine you can come. This sounds plausible as an origin story but c'mon, who reads Dante? I'm guessing even back in the day it was mostly bought to put on the shelf in the belief that it would make the purchaser look "smart." So I don't think anybody really knows for sure.
My personal lucky number has always been four. So my metaphoric, euphoric place to float to from now on will be Cloud Four. "Wow, I'm on Cloud Four!" I kinda like watching folks faces screw up at the sound of something they feel is wrong, but can't prove why.
Besides if everybody else is going to Cloud Nine, there's bound to be a line, or at least most of the good views will already be taken. Me? I need a lot of spreading out room to enjoy my bliss properly. So when the time comes, I'll be kicking back in peace, waving to you from Cloud Four.
Be with me next time when I'll investigate why people get dressed "to the nines," and go "the whole nine yards."
by Josh Newcombe
Edgar Wiggenhorn of Olinoy, IL, stopped watching an important ball game this past weekend to help his wife, Sarah, with the vacuum cleaner. It had simply stopped sucking. She was worried they'd have to take it in for repair, reminding Ed that, "at this point we can't really afford any extra… anythings!"
Ed replaced the bag, which really needed it, but still couldn't get any suction. He changed the filter, still no suction. "I even tried the old whack it on the side with your fist plan that works with so many things," said Ed, "but nope, no suction. "
"The whole thing felt like some strange troll riddle. What really sucks when it doesn't suck at all? I had the answer right in my hands, but that didn't make the vacuum work." While pondering whether this meant anything or not, Ed inadvertently slipped his finger inside the hose and it hit something. "Something very soft, but also very solid," Ed pointed out.
"I grabbed the old poking stick I keep around for situations just like this and poked it through the other end of the hose. Out came this huge, ugly wad of hair. Some human, some feline, and some I don't know what. I don't mind tellin' you it had a me a little creeped out considering all the spiders we've sucked up with that vacuum! There could be a whole army of those guys holed up in that mess, so I put it into the trash pretty quick."
Sarah was so thrilled she not only thanked Edgar, but told him he was out of the doghouse. "I didn't even know I was IN the doghouse," confided Ed, who decided to just be happy with his good fortune and return to his game, which hadn't really changed much since he left it.
Flora's new jeans. by Josh Newcombe
Herbert Thompkins of Tiedmont, IL, found himself on the short end of a very small stick this past weekend, when he was questioned point blank about whether his wife Flora's new jeans made her look fat or not. One quick retort later and Flora was giving him a kiss and sashaying happily back to wherever she came from and Herb was astounded.
"I heard the phrase on one those afternoon talk shows a few weeks back, I think it was 2 Guys With A Six-Pack* or something like that, and decided to commit it to memory, just in case. I mean, you never think it's gonna happen to you until it does right, and then it's too late," Herb said, as he accepted the "Dodged A Bullet" award from his local Veteran's Club members.
The answer is simple enough, just four words, but maybe even more importantly Herb also remembered to say them immediately, with no hesitation, not even for a moment... AND… say… them… seriously!
That magic phrase is: "No, not at all."
Can that really be all there is to it? It seems so easy doesn't it? Almost… too easy?
But when the time comes, unless you're really really ready for it, 87% of the nation's leading psychiatrists say you'll most likely blurt out whatever you're actually thinking instead, and the other 13% are certain you will.
"I practice saying it over and over to myself everyday while shaving. I've gotten a lot of cuts and nicks that way, but now I'm sure it was worth it," said Herb, adding, "I like to throw in a "honey" right after the "No" to make it a little more personal."
Moral of the story? All men should definitely memorize this phrase and be ready to spit it out anytime, anywhere. All of us hope no one ever has to use it, but let's be honest, you'll be a lot happier having it in your arsenal, locked and loaded when the inevitable finally happens.
Next week a magic phrase women can use to get men to accept directions.
*Watch "2 Guys With A Six-Pack" weekdays at 2:30 on Olinoy's own Channel 6.9!
Popular comic, Funny Face Fred, the man of a thousand faces and the tics that go with them, is coming to The Comedy Closet at the Centerville Mall in Centerville this Thursday night for one show at 7:30. The popular comedian is only going to do one show due to a mismanaged road schedule and an urgent need to get in and out of town without his ex knowing he's performing nearby and getting paid more money than he owes in back child support.
So, if you love the kind of funny faces your mother told you would stay that way the rest of your life, please, by all means, stop by The Comedy Closet and see Funny Face Fred. The Comedy Closet. Where there's always limited seating for your convenience and a good working relationship with the local fire department. Check out this page for further news about comics coming to The Comedy Closet. Cover charge is ten dollars and includes some sort of beverage discount.
Reprinted from the Weekend Watch section of The Olinoy Free Flyer found inside The Olinoy Reporter on Friday, August 16, 2013.
Zombie from "Talk With A Zombie" Found Decapitated Behind Olinoy Outlet Mall
by Josh Newcombe
The Zombie who answered questions about life, love and, well... zombies, for Duck Logic Comedy's Blog (www.ducklogiccomedy.com) was apparently killed in that little forest-like area behind the Olinoy Outlet Mall last weekend. Local teen, Jack Farber, who found him said "His head was here, and the rest of him was way over there. It was sooo coooool!"
"We've been keeping an eye on him ever since we realized he might actually be a zombie," said Olinoy police chief, Stan Oleffson, "or at least since some of the crazy people who live here starting believing he was."
"We told him time and time again not to hang out in that little forest-like area at night. Nothing good ever happens in that spot. We're always finding body parts, spattered blood and what-not in there."
When asked what happened to the zombie's body & head, Chief Stan stated, "That guy always said in his column that he'd come back quickly if you killed him, so just in case he does, we put him in an old trunk I had and shipped him out to Melbourne, Australia. If he's tellin' the truth my ex-wife is in for a big surprise."
It's been nearly six weeks since the last zombie beheading in the Olinoy area. I think we can safely say, the zombie fungus is finally starting to die down. I for one am thrilled about it, as I've always been more of a vampire fan. Grab a hunk or two of garlic and a cross, or maybe a cross made from garlic braids, and you're good to go. With zombies you gotta be on the lookout all the time, so good riddance.
In a related story a representative of Duck Logic Comedy said they will soon be debuting a brand new column called "Talk With A Sasquatch."
Bed, Bath &… Beyoncé?
by Josh Newcombe
The midwest has long been the place for product trials, testing and marketing research. If they love it here, they'll love it anywhere, or so the account teams are fond of saying. New products of all kinds get their start in Illinois, Indiana and Ohio. Once proven they roll out to the rest of the country. Even producers wanting to open a big Broadway show do it first in Chicago, working out all the kinks before taking it to NY. It makes sense, all these things are costly and they wanna make sure there's gonna be a profit.
Well it was only a matter of time before big retailers started taking the cue. Opening this weekend, right here in Olinoy, "Bed, Bath & Beyoncé" is the first "improvement" in what they hope will be a huge change for the retail chain.
"Everything inside the store is what Beyoncé would have in her own bed, bath... and beyond!" claims the advance promo. I find it hard to believe the singing celebrity would ever even set foot in the place but BB&B is trying to make the world believe otherwise.
Beyoncé herself is posing for promo photos sporting her new BB&B Butterfly tattoo. Let's hope that's a temporary tat for her sake, because this is one reporter who's betting people won't be rushing in to buy plastic waste baskets with her face on them, towels that say "Beyoncé" and "Jay-Z," or shower curtains with the words to "B'Day," so you can sing B'Day while you use your baday.
Arthur Stark, president of BB&B, said: "We made the sign before we realized she uses an accent on the last "e" in her name. Who keeps up with that kinda thing? Anyway, if we go nationwide with it we'll add the accent, if not then we'll save a few dollars."
So if if's your destiny, child, then get out to Olinoy this weekend, get your picture taken with a life-size cut out of the bootylicious star, and be part of the first folks in the country to sample BB&B's new wares. Because I have my doubts that the country's going to be crazy in love with this idea. Hey, if Pepsi couldn't make it work…..
Pete's Pizza Palace Leaving. Not Cheesy Enough For You?
by Charlie "Two Snacks" Roscoe
OK, I don't usually write for the obituary pages, and they don't usually print full stories. But I felt like I had a horse in this particular race so I petitioned to write this myself. And since nobody's died in Olinoy this week, they let me do it.
I gotta say, this is one buccaneer that'll soon be drowning in more than a few rum and colas, me heartys. Because only 2 1/2 months after opening, Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace is drawing her bridge, weighing her anchor and closing her doors on Friday night.
And for that one night, believe it or not, you can call it "Cheesy Pete's Fish Fry Friday Palace," because Pete is completely out of pizza ingredients. "Something went wrong with the supply truck on the way to us from Chicago." he told us. "But, lucky for us, back when it was open, Frank's Fish and Chips only got a fish delivery every 3 months because this boat has a really big freezer on the lower deck. Their fish guy never got the message they closed, so we accepted the delivery. We may have got no pizza, but boy have we got fish."
Pete's planning to serve a lot of fish on his last day open to, as he put it, "try to at least make something off this money pit." So, YES, there WILL once again be a Fish Fry Friday at Retention Pond Lake. With Pete's luck, everybody will finally be ordering pizzas. But I'll be rooting for you, Pete!
Also I wanted to take a moment to offer a public thank you to Marty Bloorshky, who recently returned my beautiful pirate waitress statue stolen by his son, Roger and his pals as a prank. Marty told me he took one look at what his son had taken, and he knew somebody would be sorely missing her, because he certainly would be. Well Marty, Pete said he'd let his go for cheap if you're interested. Anyway now that Cheesy P's is closing, she's all I'll have left, so thanks, buddy. I wish there were more dads out there like you.
And Roger. i'll be looking forward to seeing you and your lawn mower the next 6 weekends. I like it short, neat, and at an angle to the street.
I Ate At Pete's & It Was Plenty Cheesy! 4 Forks Up!
by Charlie "Two Snacks" Roscoe
Ahoy again, Me Heartys! I'm back and this time I've actually eaten at Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace over at Retention Pond Lake. The excitement builds.
Pete Pedersson, owner, has recently added anchovies to the menu to satisfy the folks who are still coming for the long defunct fish fry Friday held at Frank's, the previous owner of the building. When they finally realize we're a pizza place, they say "OK then gimmie a pizza with anchovies, at least we'll get a little fish." So we had to add anchovies to the menu. I hate anchovies. I really liked that we didn't have anchovies. But now we've added anchovies."
And that's just one of the many improvements Pete has made since I wrote that first story. A comely lass in a half pirate-themed and half Hooters-inspired outfit took my order, and treated me like an old salt rather than the landlubber I am. Or so I thought. Turns out that's just a statue Pete bought to help "pirate up" the inside of the place. Lesson: don't have more than one rum and cola at their new outside bar before your meal. Lesson 2: You can buy a statue just like Pete's to "serve" you in your own house, I know because I 'm now greeted every morning by the image to the left.
Upon talking to a real person, I ordered two small pizzas, one pepperoni and the other a veggie medley with extra cheese. This IS Cheesy Pete's after all. Plus I got an order of fries and small salad as appetizers. The fries were hot and the salad was cold. Go figure… that's just how I like 'em!
When the pizzas arrived at the table they were still steaming! My first piece was wonderfully crisp on the bottom and the perfect temperature to burn the roof of mouth off on the top. Yowsa! What's not to love? That's pizza all right. I decided to have another rum and cola.
Pete's also started a new promotion: you come in with a parrot on your shoulder, your second pizza is free! Not a bad deal, especially if you own a parrot and are really hungry. I asked Pete if this is a parrot heavy area of Illinois. "I haven't seen one yet." he said. Hmmm? Good luck Cheesy Pete. You get 4 Forks Up and a "YO-HO-HO" from me!
"CHEESY" PETE'S NOW OPEN AT RETENTION POND LAKE
by Charlie "Two Snacks" Roscoe
Ahoy, Mateys! There's a brand new place to eat pirate themed goodies in Olinoy, Illinois! Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace is the fourth restaurant to open in the ship shaped building at the south end of Retention Pond Lake, home of northern Illinois' longest manmade "beachfront."
First it was The Lobster Boat, which sunk in only two months. Northern Illinois isn't known for it's "fresh catches." Then came Pirates of the Caribbean, but Caribbean cuisine was apparently too adventurous for your average Olinoyan, plus it tasted kinda funky. Frank's Fish & Chips followed and found a fairly large following for it's Fish Fry Fridays, but sadly almost no customers the rest of the week. Well all hands on deck folks, something different has sailed into town!
New owner and pizza maker Pete Pedersson said "It was supposed to just be "Pete's Pizza Palace" but there weren't enough rectangles across the top of the sign for that. And we had to cover the words "fish & chips" that were already there because we don't serve fish, not even anchovies, so we went with the word "cheesy." He said they also added dots to the unused spaces, "to sorta be like pepperonis."
The very day the sign went up someone called him "Cheesy Pete," and it stuck.
"I'm not fond of it, but we're embracing it. We may as well, I found out you can't really change this place into a palace from a pirate ship without spending a lot of money, you know? So we got that kid from the high school who drew their mascot working on a logo of Cheesy Pete the Pirate. And we also got that guy who plays Santa at the Olinoy Outlet Mall every year to dress up as Cheesy Pete and do the treasure hunts with the kids on the weekends."
Pete also insisted we mention there is NOT a fish fry on friday anymore. "Our biggest lines are on Friday night, but half of them are coming for the fish they used to get at Frank's. We put a giant pizza up on top of the boat that even lights up at night, but folks still try to order all-you-can-eat fish when they get to the counter. We use the freshest frozen ingredients, so our pies really are good. I'm keeping fingers crossed that'll carry us."
Featured at Cheesy Pete's every day around 3 PM, just for the kids, is a treasure hunt right out on the beach, whoever collects the most discarded booty (pirate lingo for "trash") wins a free pizza slice and a drink.
Will Cheesy Pete's Pizza Palace be the first to make a go of it at Retention Pond Lake? Hard to say, but I'll be setting sail for the south end to get my pizza sooner rather than later, in case they suddenly have to weigh anchor! And I promise to let you know whether it gets a "Yo-Ho-Ho!" or a Yo-Ho-Hum."
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