Dear Sasquatch,
With all the cameras being put up around the country, and everybody carrying phones that take videos, are the sasquatches getting nervous it'll be a lot harder to stay hidden? – CAMCORDER FREAK
Dear Freak,
Not really. We spend most of our time where cameras aren't usually put, like national parks, wilderness areas and such. And often we actually try to get caught on peoples camera phones, like in the background of vacation pictures. Since the few of us you do see on camera are only believed to be real by Duck Dynasty type folks anyway, we don't worry about it at all. ;-)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Dear Sasquatch,
Why do you hide from people? Why not just come right out and show yourselves. – TRYING TO UNDERSTAND
Me sitting quietly. Nice camo, huh? Dear Trying. Well there is a picture of me right at the top of this column. That's hardly what I'd call hiding. But I know what you mean, most of us are not so easily seen. Basically we're really shy. And we actually sort of dig the mythos, so we spend a lot of time walking around in mud and soft ground leaving enticing footprints. Or we go through camper's stuff at night when they're sleeping and trade things with other camper's stuff for kicks. Then we sit quietly in a camouflaged spot and wait for the fun to ensue. You guys really crack us up when you get freaked out. Ed. Note: If you've got some thing you like to ask our sasquatch just visit our CONTACT page and address your question to "Dear Sasquatch!"
Well I'm getting a whole lot less "are you really a sasquatch" questions, so thank you for that, but now there seems to be a preponderance of questions about the term "sasquatch." Maybe I should have listened to my agent and just gone with "Dear Bigfoot," but dammit, I'm proud to be a sasquatch! So here goes…
Dear Sasquatch
My friend says that a group of you would still be called "sasquatch," I say the plural is "sasquatches." Which one of us wins the steak dinner? - HUNGRY AND WAITING
Dear Hungry,
Actually they call us "Sasqueetch," when we're grouped together. Sorry, my idea of a joke. Heh, heh. The truth is that while either is acceptable, the most commonly used form by a far is "sasquatches," which is also a lot more fun to say. So get your bib ready, that free steak dinner is yours. And I know where you can get a killer tofu steak, if you're interested. Just sayin'.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
My favorite yeti! Dear Sasquatch,
In your first column you said your people like the term "sasquatch" over "bigfoot." But what about "yeti?" Is that "pc" or "verboten?" - PREFERS CORRECTNESS
Dear Correctness,
"Yeti" is plenty "pc," if your'e a yeti. I do have some relatives that are yetis, but me, I'm a sasquatch. Yetis are usually found in the Himalayas and are often partially to all-white. Basically it's like this: a sasquatch is to a bigfoot, what a yeti is to an abominable snowman. Some of my relatives are hard to hang out with, but they're not abominable. And while I'm sure you meant it with the best of intentions, none of us are "people." It's really easy, say it with me now, "sass---qwat---chh", there, I knew you could do it. Ed. Note: If you've got some thing you like to ask our sasquatch just visit our CONTACT page and address your question to "Dear Sasquatch!"
Dear Sasquatch,
Are female sasquatches hot or do they look pretty much like you?
– SAS-CURIOUS
Dear Sas-curious,
Let's do the math, shall we? Since 1. I'm hot, plus 2. they do look pretty much like me, then it follows that 3. female sasquatches are hot. Rrrrrrrrrrroww! I say start being more than curious, you might be surprised, and you certainly won't be sorry. You'll have a nice day.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Over half of the questions I've received since my first column was published were like this next one, way too many to ignore I'm afraid, so I'll try to answer this once and get it out of the way:
Dear Hairy Dude,
So you're a sasquatch, huh? I actually have a few questions for you, if you really are a sasquatch. But… there are groups of people who have been hunting for your kind all across America for years and the only proof they've come up with so far is that Patterson film that's been debunked 10 ways from Sunday. With this in mind I find it hard to believe some comedy blog has snagged an actual sasquatch as a writer for their advice column. Sorry but I ain't asking my questions to some fake bigfoot. - DOUBTING TOMMY BOY
Female from Patterson film. Hot! Dear Doubting,
I can not prove this to you, or anyone, one way or the other over the internet. Its as simple as that. Duh. My question to you, and the hundreds of others who took the time to write in asking basically the same thing, is why would you write in and tell me that you won't write in and tell me anything until you know if I'm a real Sasqutach or not? Can you really not see the irony in that? Write in or don't write in, I'm still a sasquatch. Call me hairy dude or bigfoot if you must, but I'll still be a sasquatch. So DTB, if you've got questions for me ask 'em, if not then… please… stop… writing to me. Thank you. Have a nice day.
(Ed. Note: If you've got something you'd like to ask our sasquatch just visit our CONTACT page and address your question to "Dear Sasquatch!")
Our Soothsaying Sasquatch Hello everyone,
I'm the new advice columnist. Unlike the zombie who once held this job, I thought it'd be nice for you to get to know me a little before your'e expected to pony up with your life's most personal questions.
So I'm starting out my column with this post instead of answering the left-over "Talk WIth A Zombie" questions that litter my cubicle, in an effort to put my furriest foot forward.
As you may have guessed by my picture I'm a sasquatch. Yes, a real sasquatch.
Maybe my face is familiar to you, I did a little modeling to get through college and landed a gig with the Curiosity Costume Company out in Oilnoy, Il. Their "Bigfoot Head" mask was molded from my actual face. It's still being sold today.
Bigfoot Head Mask That's it there to the right. I wish they wouldn't have used plastic for the beard, makes the rest of the hair look so cheap. And leaving off my eyebrows makes it look really angry. But hey, it paid the bills. And if this column ever gets popular, I've already got merchandise to push, so it's all good. Most of us sasquatches usually prefer the term "sasquatch" to "bigfoot," as I'm sure you usually prefer the term "human" to "longnose" or "bigbutt," or "bareskin." On the other hand a lot of male sasquatches try to keep the term "bigfoot" alive because for some reason gals seem very interested to make your aquaintance when they know you've got big feet. I got this job because the zombie that had it before me pretty much freaked everybody out around here, and I think they were looking for more of a family man to run the column this time. Someone whose warm smile didn't hide a desire to eat them when they found themselves alone with him in the copy room. Apparently I fit that bill. I've got a wife, two kids, a dog, 3 cats, a turtle and uncounted number of raccoons living under the house, so I'm definitely family oriented. And I haven't eaten anybody in months. Just kidding, sasquatches aren't carnivores, and if we were, I don't think humans would be on the menu. You smell kinda funny. I'll continue to open up about myself as the weeks go by, but hopefully that's enough to let you know I'm sincere and ready to tell you all whatever it is you're wondering about. I'll be answering any questions you may have about life, love and, of course, sasquacthes here on Ask A Sasquatch. If you have anything you have to get off your chest to a sasquatch, I'm your ape-man. Just go to the DL contact page and address your question or comment to "Dear Sasquatch."
|
RSS Feed