Zombie from "Talk With A Zombie" Found Decapitated Behind Olinoy Outlet Mall
by Josh Newcombe
The Zombie who answered questions about life, love and, well... zombies, for Duck Logic Comedy's Blog (www.ducklogiccomedy.com) was apparently killed in that little forest-like area behind the Olinoy Outlet Mall last weekend. Local teen, Jack Farber, who found him said "His head was here, and the rest of him was way over there. It was sooo coooool!"
"We've been keeping an eye on him ever since we realized he might actually be a zombie," said Olinoy police chief, Stan Oleffson, "or at least since some of the crazy people who live here starting believing he was."
"We told him time and time again not to hang out in that little forest-like area at night. Nothing good ever happens in that spot. We're always finding body parts, spattered blood and what-not in there."
When asked what happened to the zombie's body & head, Chief Stan stated, "That guy always said in his column that he'd come back quickly if you killed him, so just in case he does, we put him in an old trunk I had and shipped him out to Melbourne, Australia. If he's tellin' the truth my ex-wife is in for a big surprise."
It's been nearly six weeks since the last zombie beheading in the Olinoy area. I think we can safely say, the zombie fungus is finally starting to die down. I for one am thrilled about it, as I've always been more of a vampire fan. Grab a hunk or two of garlic and a cross, or maybe a cross made from garlic braids, and you're good to go. With zombies you gotta be on the lookout all the time, so good riddance.
In a related story a representative of Duck Logic Comedy said they will soon be debuting a brand new column called "Talk With A Sasquatch."
Dear Zombie,
I'm not a cannibal or anything, but I have always wondered what humans taste like. Since I'm not planning on becoming zombified anytime soon I thought I'd ask you. Whadya say? – DYING TO KNOW
Dear Dying,
You're gonna find this hard to believe, but they taste a lot like chicken. Dip 'em in a little breading, toss 'em in a fryer and other than the shape, you'd swear you were sitting in a KFC.
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Dear Zombie,
Are any of the other members of your family zombies, or is it just you? And if it's only you, then are you still in contact with them? - FAMILY MAN
Dear FM,
No, none of them are zombies… yet. My dad won't have anything to do with me, but my mom still writes. She'd prefer I didn't visit because it "riles up" my dad to see me. But occasionally I hang out near their place just to get a look at them again. I've been thinking of crashing their Thanksgiving dinner this year and enjoying a bite or two. ;-)
(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)
Dear Zombie, If you're really a zombie, why hasn't someone shown up at the Duck Logic headquarters to try to blow you away by now? If I believed you really were one I'd hunt you down myself. – ZOMBIE RETIRER
Dear Retirer,
The folks here still think I like wearing my Halloween costume all year, and since i'm getting such a big response to the column they aren't asking questions. But I've had plenty of close calls on the way to and from work for sure. People still have that "only good zombie is a dead zombie" attitude where I hang out, so I've really gotta be careful. Of course, if you did track me and kill me, I'd only come right back as a new zombie again. With hell filled up there's nothing else I could do. So maybe you should just retire yourself.
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Dear Zombie,
If, to become a zombie you have to be bitten by one, then… how does it start? How does the first zombie become one? Hmmmm? – UNBELIEVER
Dear Unbeliever,
While being bitten by a zombie is a surefire way to become one, that's just one of the paths to zombiedom. Zombies are like mushrooms. The possibility for them always exists, in the very air all around you, but the conditions have to be just right for them to emerge. So the first zombie just showed up, no bitting necessary. What are the right conditions? That would be telling. ;-)(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)
Dear Zombie,
I'm thinking of putting together a kid's book called "Zombie On A Zamboni," 'cuz two of my favorite things are zombies and hockey. (Go Hawks!) Anyway, I'm talking with every zombie I can find to do research for it. Is there anything I should know that you can tell me before I get started? – THE GRINDER
Dear Grinder,
The main thing you should definitely know is… never tell another writer your book idea until you've got a publisher and due date. Especially a zombie writer, when its clear the idea would sell much easier coming from an actual zombie. I'm also a "Hawk-ey" fan and actually have a picture of myself on one of their zambonis. It's gonna make a great image for the book flap bio. I will say thank you as well though, "Thank You," and that's more than you'd get from most writers. Now you know.
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Dear Zombie,
Once someone becomes a zombie, is that it? I mean is there ever any way they can come back? Like a spell, or a special drink or something? 'Cuz my parents really get upset when something happens to my kid brother while I'm supposed to be watching him. I could be looking at a life grounding here. - DEEP TROUBLE
Dear Trouble,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news… but once a zombie, always a zombie. I say let your brother tell your parents the news himself. He'll convince them there's nothing they can or should do about it. Of course, then they'll probably all want to have short a "family meeting" with you. But at least you won't be grounded.
(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)
Dear Zombie.
I don't know whether you're a zombie or not, but you do look like a guy who might know about wine. My mother-in-law's making beef stroganoff…or nov…or something and I'm in charge of the wine. I figure beer goes with everything, but she wants wine. You got any clue what goes with stroganoffvv?? - WISH HE DIDN'T HAVE TO CARE
Dear Wish,
You just got yours, 'cuz amazingly enough I do know wine, enough for you anyway. One way you'll never go wrong is this: red meat – red wine, white meat – white wine. It's simplistic, and the wine snobs are all cringing as they read this, but it'll work. So Chicken, fish or pork stroganov - white wine, but beef stroganov - red wine. And that goes for stroganoffs too. A cabernet or merlot would be great, a zinfandel or table red would work well too, and as long as you grab something in a bottle vs. box you'll look plenty impressive when you bring it in. And doesn't anyone ever serve human stroganoff? And yes, that's right… that would be red wine.
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Dear Zombie,
My grandpa always said "The only good zombie is a dead zombie!" And my dad has always agreed with him. I'm not so sure myself, ya'll generally seem harmless enough if people like me don't get too close. But it got me to thinkin' that you must run into a lot of that sort of attitude from us "live ones'" right? If so, how annoying is that? – SORTA SORRY
Dear Sorry,
Don't be, we can take it. We're zombies. Unlike the old days, hell is now so over crowded, that when you kill human OR a zombie, he or she comes back almost immediately, as a stronger and more confident zombie. There's just no room left to shove any of us us in anywhere down there. That's why I got a job, I got tired of that merry-go-round. But more importantly, when killing us doesn't help anymore, it pretty much kills your family "slogan." The dead just keep comin' back. We're liike a "classics" radio station or retro TV channel. Enjoy.
(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)
Dear Zombie,
My daughter is bringing her zombie boyfriend over for dinner this Thursday night. What in the world should I have on the menu? I don't want to offend him as we love our daughter very much. Plus what kind of things could we possibly we talk about? Please help! - CULINARILY CHALLENGED
Dear CC,
He wants to impress you because he wants to impress your daughter, so he'll nibble at whatever you serve. It's just an old wive's tale that live humans are all we eat. It's a favorite to be sure, but we'll eat just about anything. In fact the only thing we won't touch is another zombie. So, leave that off the menu and you'll be just fine. And hey, you're the parents, and this is your home turf, so sit back and let him worry about how to make the conversation happen. You just might find out he's really the right zombie for your daughter after all.
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Dear Zombie,
How do we know you're a real zombie? Because you've got a picture there by your column of what looks like a zombie!? How do we even know that's you, let alone a real zombie? Sure, I got questions for a zombie, but I want proof that you really are one before I go spillin' my guts to you. - DOUBTING THOMAS
Dear Thomas,
I get this one a lot so I thought I'd finally answer it. And it's this: What proof, in writing, could I ever possibly offer you, or anybody? Let's see… that's my picture all right. Hmmm, I'm definitely a zombie. Impressed yet? I didn't think so. This is what it comes down to for me: When the zombies you're hanging out with aren't trying to bite you then you're probably… a zombie! That's Zombie 101. If these are still just empty words on a computer page, to you, then all I can say is I'll be in that little forest-like area behind the Olinoy Oultet Mall, every night this weekend after hours, doing... uh… errands. I'll be happy to offer you the kind of first hand proof you're looking for, so you can feel free to spill your guts all over the place.(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)
Dear Zombie,
My parents want me in the house by the time the sun sets every night. It's the curfew their parents gave them and "what was good enough for us is good enough for you!" My friends all get to stay out until at least 10 PM, unless it's a school night. When I ask my folks "why?" they usually mumble something to me about zombies getting me after dark. This seems like a pretty silly reason to me. I've never even seen a real zombie, but then I've never been out of the house after dark either. Help! - PRISONER IN MY OWN HOME
Dear Prisoner,
Your question has a simple answer. It doesn't really matter what your friends can do, you're living in your parents home, so you gotta follow your parent's rules. That being said, I can say that whatever their real reasons are it has nothing to do with zombies. If a zombie is after you, sunlight won't keep 'em away. We grab and munch on "live ones" anytime of day. So keep an eye out on your way to and from school! I wouldn't mention this to your folks though or they'll start home schooling and you'll never leave that house again.
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Dear Zombie,
You're always saying most movies don't portray you guys and gals as you really are. Are there any films at all that you'd recommend to get the "real" scoop on zombies? - HOOKED ON ZOMBIE FLICKS
Dear Hooked,
Actually the two classics "Night Of The Living Dead" and "Dawn Of The Dead," are probably my favorites. Everything in them isn't zombie gospel, but there's plenty of true facts in between the Hollywood stuff. I like "Dawn" especially, because even though it ends with the heroes getting away from that mall, there's nowhere for them to go and the zombies are going to win in the end so I walked out of the theatre with a nice warm feeling in what's left of my heart.(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)
Dear Zombie,
What does it feel like to be a zombie? A lot of the kids at school are sayin' if your'e gonna be cool ya gotta go zombie. Some of them are really puttin' the pressure on. It sounds like it could be fun, but my parent's have always warned against it. I'm really curious, I mean there's a lot of things grown-ups have told me not to do that ended being very cool and fun. I'm just not so sure about this zombie thing. - ZOMBIE CURIOUS
Dear Curious,
You're probably asking the wrong person. I'm pretty pro-zombie, so I'm more than a little biased in this area. I think it feels great! And it hardly hurts that much at all. But it's a kinda like losing your virginity, once you go there you really can't go back… so it's important to be absolutely sure about your answer on the "to zombie or not to zombie" question. All I can tell you for certain is that there are more of us every day, so you'll never be alone. ;-)
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Dear Zombie,
Why is being a zombie such a big deal nowadays? There's the "The Walking Dead," "World War Z," reruns of "Zombieland" & "Shaun Of The Dead" on cable every other day…. I mean, I think they're cool and everything, but so are a lot of other things. - VAMPIRE LOVER
Dear VL,
When my dad was growing up there weren't many actual zombies around, and "Night Of The Living Dead" was pretty much the only zombie flick in town. It wasn't shown on TV for a very long time, so if you didn't catch it at the theater, then you lived a pretty much zombieless life. Now there are just so damn many of us, with more coming every day. So… sorry, but like it or not, don't expect to see an end to zombie themed entertainment anytime soon. I have no doubt they'll be sneaking it into advertising shortly as we're quickly becoming a "demographic." And I have no problem with that, Zombies rule!(ED. Note: If you'd like to Talk With the Zombie, just head over to our CONTACT page and addres your question to "Dear Zombie" in the comment box!)
Deer Zomby,
Me am zommie too. Me want job lyk you. How arrrgh get one? Me have thoughts in head to share and me am hungry and tired of all time fighting for brains. Bruuugh. World no kind to zomby like me. Harrarghgh. How me get in bizness? Am thair union me can join? – ZOMBY GUY
Dear Guy,
It's not as easy as you might think. If you can't pass yourself as of one of them it can be very hard. I made my contacts at a Halloween party. They were a bit surprised when I wore my "costume" to work, but I deliver the goods so no one questions it. It sounds to me like you are missing a large portion of your own brain, so a job like mine might not be the right placement for you. Have you considered a career in politics?
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Dear Zombie,
There's a big blockbuster movie with Brad Pitt coming out soon called World War Z. What do know about it? Any truth at all to what I'll see on screen? – UNBELIEVER
Dear Unbeliever,
I had a small role as an "extra" in that film. In fact most zombies do extra work in the industry. All I can say is that while we do move a lot faster than most movies would have you believe, which we don't like the general public to know about, WWZ is just one big fantasy. We don't roll across areas like an ocean wave, and we don't clump together much either. It's a whole lot easier hunting "live ones" when we keep it down to two or three of us together at a time, that way we don't have to split the spoils up as thinly. Hope that helps.
(Ed. Note: Do you have a question for the Zombie? Write to us through the Duck Logic Comedy Contact page and address your question "Dear Zombie!")
Dear Zombie,
You told some people last time to not believe what we see about zombies on TV and in movies. So my questions is this: Like the zombie entertainment available, do you all only eat raw people or do you cook up… like… recipes? Surely some long deceased chefs have become zombies and are experimenting. – CULINARILY CURIOUS
Dear Curious,
Raarrgh. Ever go to a park and notice that the public grill hasn't been cleaned off properly? That's usually evidence of a zombie picnic. BBQ sauce is good on anything, and you'd be surprised how easy it is to get the grocery guy to let you have it free if you just leave the store. I've read somewhere that eating meat "tartar" is actually supposed to be healthy for you, but since we're already dead we don't really put a lot of thought into our health.
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Dear Zombie,
Is there such a thing as a vegetarian zombie? I noticed in our garden that the green peppers were bitten into and the insides were missing and I wondered if zombies got to 'em. There weren't any footprints or anything around but it sure looked like teeth marks on the peppers to me. – YOUNG SUBURBAN FARMER
Dear Farmer,
If zombies were in your garden you'd know. We're not the most careful of visitors, there's always something left behind or out of place. I've never met a zombie that wasn't a carnivore no matter what they were when they were alive. Sorry all you veggie heads and vegans, but you'll get the craving and be chanting "braaaaaains" along with the rest of us. Arrrrghugh.
(Ed. note: If you'd like to talk with a zombie, address your questions to "Dear Zombie" through the Duck Logic Comedy contact page.)
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