MILEY FACE versus smiley face: ONE'S ICONIC, THE OTHER'S MORONIC. HAVE A NICE DAY, POP CULTURE!10/14/2013 Add Comment Way to go Washington. The government shutdown has not only closed my favorite park and made it harder to get my free lunch program, it also may mean that this emotionally unbalanced security guard may lose his job at the Smithsonian. Ted Deavers has been working for the federal government for 15 years, 14 and a half on probation with around the clock surveillance, and even though he's quick to flip you the bird or curse under his breath at your requests for maps or information, he knows that he couldn't do any of that without the federal government. That's why it's so important that a solution to this problem presents itself to our leaders in DC before we lose our future leaders like Ted here. You may not know it, but your ruined day might make the day for somebody else. Somebody like our finger-flipping government employee in the accompanying photo. Ted might not be very good at his job, but at least he's doing it and that's something you won't be able to say if Congress and The President don't go out for drinks and smokes and half hearted compromises. The kind of things that make this country, and people like Ted, great or even good or if we were really honest, tolerable. This message brought to you by the people who don't know what they're talking about or Americans. JAN AT THE INFORMATION DESK: "I'M LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT I'M REALLY LAUGHING ON THE INSIDE!"10/12/2013 Our gal, Jan, at the Information Desk is glad to help you with your queries and questions about everything Duck Logic, but she also wants you to know that she is more than a pretty face and posed photo. She is actually a lot of fun when she gets off work, and nobody knows that better than Donna in Customer Service: "One time we dared Jan to drink coffee and leave the mug next to her unprotected laptop screen. I think you know what happened next. I mean, we don't have to draw a picture for you when a photo will do the job. Jan is definitely playing fast and loose with the rules and making a mockery of her poorly worded job description. I guess that's why we like her so much." Jan then pulled a skill out of thin air that nobody knew she had: the skill of quipping. "I'm laughing on the outside, but I'm really laughing on the inside! I mean really laughing on the inside. On still winter nights you can almost hear the laughter," quipped our desk diva and information station sensation before immediately going back to work and completing a mundane activity that anyone else would find stomach turning and, quite frankly, beneath their place on the food chain. WHEN HIGH SCHOOL PHOTO SHOOTS GO TERRIBLY WRONG OR WHY POSING IN MIDDLE OF ROAD NEVER ENDS WELL10/09/2013 REPRINTED FROM THE OLINOY REPORTER, OCTOBER 4TH, 2013. By Josh Newcombe In what this reporter sees as an important historical event, Martin P. Hastings from South Olinoy, Illinois, finally made ends meet last week while drinking his morning cup of coffee. He'd been trying to do it ever since he got out of college. Now, married with his own kids in college, he's finally pulled it off. When asked what it felt like to make ends meet Marty said, "Not so good. Turns out they really don't get along very well and they've vowed never to meet again." And he added, "You'd think they were a divorced couple or something… the tension in the room was almost unbearable." It's really a shame when something that seemed like it should be so significant turns out so sour. "Millions of people across the country have been trying to do this for most of their adult lives," Marty sighed and muttered, "now I guess they'll all have to set their sights on something else., like finding the end of the rainbow or something, I know I will." The Sofa Sage, or Jeff , as the folks in Systems Analysis call him at Interco, has come forward with more words of wisdom and caution for the future of mankind. Sitting at a rather dull affair at his apartment to celebrate his divorce becoming final and the fact his daughter's pregnancy test came back negative, The Sofa Sage was hit with these prophetic thoughts: Charlie Rose will interview Derrick Rose and nobody will be able to remember anything Derrick said due to his mumbled speaking style and sleepy energy You're neither here nor there, though some would tell you differently. They are only interested in your GPS coordinates The Government Shutdown will not have one joke or parody written about it because... political satire will no longer be supported by government funds or people. Do not take these words lightly. They came to Jeff as he sat on the finest leather furniture mankind can make and then hope some single guy will buy on clearance. It's fall in Olinoy and that means The Book Barn at the Centerville Shopping Center is proud to announce new titles for the reader who can't stop reading the latest page turners. If you love mysteries, you may want to peak inside the pages of local mystery writer, Phyllis Jean Scott's Drop Dead Darling, If It Isn't Too Much Trouble. The Olinoy Library List puts it right above The New Federal Tax Code, and just below PD James' I Should Be Dead Already when it comes to who dunnits and whatcha ma call its. The writer of 50 Shades Of Grey is back with another scandalous best seller called 30 Coats of Paint that will have suburban women wagging their tongues with juicy gossip about this story of Ben Paint and his 30 Coats of double entendres. The first 100 customers will get signed up to our Barn Nook, whether they want it or not. Finally, have a few laughs with Chip Kooter and Kooter's Shooters. This collection of straight shooting advice from your favorite local columnist includes hilarious takes on Aunt Em's Jems, Uncle Lou's News, and Things I Forgot To Do Today. You'll laugh until you don't, and that's when you'll find yourself thinking that it really is true that life is what Chip makes of it. The Book Barn, for people who love books almost as much as they love barns. | Subscribe –
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